CAN YOU BELIEVE CHRISTMAS CREPT INTO OUR LIVES so quickly? Thanksgiving comes and before you can take a breath, the holidays are here. There are some old chestnuts about Christmas that should be repeated.

“SANTA CLAUS HAS THE RIGHT IDEA: Visit people once a year.” —Victor Borge

“WHAT I DON’T LIKE ABOUT OFFICE CHRISTMAS parties is looking for a job the next day.” —Phyllis Diller

“I NEVER BELIEVED IN SANTA CLAUS because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark.” —Dick Gregory

“CHRISTIANS HAVE CREATED A HOLIDAY THAT HAS BECOME A BEAST THAT CANNOT BE FED … every year Christmas gets longer and longer. … When I was a kid, Halloween was Halloween, and Santa wasn’t poking his butt into it!” —Lewis Black

“MERRY CHRISTMAS, NEARLY EVERYBODY.” —Ogden Nash

SERIOUSLY, DEAR READER, we wish you peace of mind, peace on earth, people who love you, a job if you need one, enough cash to share, dreams that can come true, good health, more people who love you.

IF YOU HAVE SOMEONE TO LOVE YOU, you are rich indeed. No need for more goodies under the tree.

“WHEN ONE LOVES SOMEBODY, EVERYTHING IS CLEAR — where to go, what to do — it all takes care of itself and one doesn’t have to ask anybody about anything.” —Maxim Gorky

HAVE A SAFE AND MERRY CHRISTMAS, and if you don’t, local actress/comedienne Jenny McCarthy will see that the Holiday Police get your number.

OUR LOCAL GAL JENNY is thrilled that she’ll soon have her own talk show, a mix of celebrity and serious women’s issues, with her own brand of humor. Also, she’ll be adding pizzazz to Dick Clark’s annual New Year’s eve celebration in Times Square.

EVEN BO, THE OBAMAS’ DOG, signed their Christmas card with his pawprint, adding canine class to their holiday wishes. Malia and Sasha added their signatures to the president and Michelle’s in a simple greeting. Oh, how we wish all our lawmakers could really find the spirit of Christmas and cooperate for the good of this nation.

WHO ARE THE TWO WEALTHY SISTERS who have not spoken to each other for more than a year because both were in love with a handsome investment guru who was dating them both? They may be getting together to console each other because their Romeo has slipped a ring on a much younger dental assistant.

IN PARIS ON A TRADE MISSION were former Gov. Jim Thompson and wife Jayne, Howard Tullman, John Edelman and other major players. They were welcomed by former Chicagoan Renee Derem- Johnson and ambassador Charles Rivkin.

MIEGS FIELD IS ON OUR MIND now that Mayor Daley is not around. Why can’t it be resurrected and used by planes transporting patients to Lurie Children’s Hospital instead of that scary heliport atop the center on highrise-encrusted Chicago Avenue?

BELATED HAPPY BIRTHDAY to one of our favorite eligible bachelors, the handsome Dr. Steve Stryker.

HOLIDAY LUNCHEON AT RL was hosted by Irene Michaels and seen sipping champagne were Dusty Stemer, Suzie Glickman, Tina Weller, Averill Leviton, Susanna Negovan, Carole Bradford and Roni Seigel.

SHERRILL AND JOHN BODINE HOSTED a swinging Chrismas bash in their Glencoe home.

AN ELEGANT HIGHLIGHT OF THIS HOLIDAY SEASON is the annual open house at the palatial digs of Catharine and David Hamilton where the 400 of this great city gather. The warmth of their celebration melts any snow and ice that might dare arrive. All guests wear their most attractive attire and Santa found them all worthy of having a special, delightful, gilt-edged Gold Coast evening.

ART BUFFS ARE STILL TALKING about two exhibits at the recent Art Basel extravaganza in Miami. One had a nude woman rolling in the hay with two live pigs and another showcased 800 bananas. Visitor Jerry Berliant ate one of the bananas and then there were 799!

WHO WERE THE THREE RICH, PAMPERED WIVES who flew to New York and bought pieces of Elizabeth Taylor’s glam life? The haul included jewels, handbags, caftans and gowns. We are sure that 2,000 people will be saying they own part of the 1,000 items sold. Lines around the block to see the goodies and sales of the catalogues brought in big bucks but the fabulous gems were the draw. There were many beautiful pins and necklaces given to Taylor by Michael Jackson. Every time Liz came forward to defend him when he fought pedophile charges, grateful Michael gifted her with something gorgeous. And Taylor never satiated her hunger for more jewelry.

SAY HAPPY BIRTHDAY THIS MONTH to Teri Hatcher, Kim Basinger, John Malkovich, Kirk Douglas, Beau Bridges, Marisa Tomei, Judd Apatow and Ellen Burstyn.

THE PETITE ADVANTAGE DIET is the title of the latest diet book by personal trainer extraordinaire Jim Karas, whose The Business Plan for the Body is still a best seller. This new self-help tome addresses the need to tailor-make a diet for women who are shorter than 5-feet 4-inches tall. Karas, who has helped Hugh Jackman and other actors, also authored The Cardio-Free Diet, Flip the Switch and The 7-Day Energy Surge.

A SPECIAL MERRY CHRISTMAS to dog lovers comes from Jolanta Ruege and her black lab Oliver, 10. He no longer believes in Santa Claus but expects a gift under their tree.

WE WISH OPRAH A SLIMMER CHRISTMAS and hope the diet Dr. Oz recommended makes it happen.

WELCOME BACK TO RADIO PERSONALITY ROBERT MURPHY and his longtime love, Cheryl Larsen. We will be listening at Rewind 100.3-FM.

IT WAS SANTA’S WISH: SAVE THE NORTH POLE FROM GLOBAL WARMING.

HOT TICKET IS THE NEW YEAR’S EVE dinner dance at the Woman’s Athletic Club for friends and members of the English-Speaking Union, featuring the Ralph Wilder Orchestra. Edmund Lester is president, Mrs. Christian Pitt is vice-president, Priscilla Barlow is secretary and Sue-Gray Goller is treasurer. Co-chairs of the black tie event are Brian White and Mrs. Pitt. On the committee are Kate Boege, Mary Ellen Christy, Alexandra Cooney, Sophie du Brul Cue, Bonnie Deutsch, Moira du Brul, Jennifer Gage, Bob Gienko Jr., Julie Harron, Meg Leiter, Lisa Malkin, Astrid McKinnon, Robin Mumford, Missy O’Neill, Janet Owen, Lyssa Piette, Pauline Sheehan, Peggy Snorf, Oscar Tatosian, Virginia Wolff, Claire York and Karen Zupko.

ACTRESS PIPER LAURIE has written an autobiography, Learning to Live Out Loud. She reveals that actor Ronald Reagan seduced her, 18 and a virgin, when he was 39 and was not yet dating Nancy Davis, whom he later married. It was in 1950 that Piper and Reagan, with Ruth Hussey, came to town to hype their movie and we interviewed them. Reagan had some grey hairs at his temples. It always annoyed us through his years as president when he insisted his coat black hair was natural and he never touched it up. Lying about such a trivial detail was upsetting. This was a man with an ego that couldn’t bear any sign of weakness or aging. Piper was sweet and so young. In her book she details having an abortion in 1957 because she wanted to continue working in Hollywood, hadn’t much money, and wasn’t ready to rear a child as a single mother. Laurie was a fine actress, judging from flicks like The Hustler, Carrie and Children of a Lesser God.

WHAT IS SANTA BRINGING beautiful wife Larisa Kronfeld? Anything she wants, we’re sure fortunate husband David is saying. This photo of them was taken at the Service Club’s El Morocco benefit at the Four Seasons.

HOW DID THE FAMILY of a super-rich tycoon learn that he had married his mistress? She was wearing a new sable coat he bought her and they saw that her initials were different because she had a new last name.

THE EXES, A NEW TV SHOW WITH KRISTEN JOHNSTON won’t make it, in our estimation. Too bad, she’s a fine comedienne. Loved her in Third Rock from the Sun. Kristen, 44, is writing her memoirs, out in 2012.

ACTOR GENE HACKMAN, 81, is penning novels and his latest is Payback at Morning Peak, a coming-of-age story about a teenage boy who tracks down a team of desperadoes. It is his first solo book; he previously wrote three with a partner. His grandpa and uncle were newspapermen and his father was a pressman at a daily in Danville, Ill. Gene has won two Oscars but finds the grind of filming too difficult these days.

SECOND CITY VETERAN RACHEL DRATCH, a popular star on Saturday Night Live and Tina Fey’s comic partner for years, is now busy with her baby son, but does have a memoir, Girl Walks Into A Bar out in April. It has to be a hoot. Her “accidental” motherhood and her life at SNL as Debbie Downer add to the drama in her life.

ANDREAS MITISEK IS THE NEW GENERAL DIRECTOR of Chicago Opera Theater, announced board president Gregory O’Leary at a meeting attended by supporters Roger Baskes, Dorothy Walton and current director Brian Dickie.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO CECE GONZALES was celebrated Dec. 14 at the Sofitel. This Peruvian princess was cheered by pals who admire her business smarts and her effervescent personality.

SMOKING CAN MAKE YOUR NIPPLES FALL OFF! If your Christmas presents include breast enlargement or a lift, stop smoking. Dr. Anthony Youn, plastic surgeon, insists that cigarettes cut off the blood flow to extremities and he will not operate if a patient smokes. He insists he’s seen blackening nipples fall off, and relates it in his new book, In Stitches.

“THE SUPREME COURT HAS RULED THAT THEY CANNOT HAVE A NATIVITY SCENE IN WASHINGTON, D.C. THIS WASN’T FOR ANY RELIGIOUS REASON. THEY COULDN’T FIND THREE WISE MEN AND A VIRGIN.” —JAY LENO

CONTACT: annbgerber@gmail.com or 847-677-2232