DAHLINGS, THERE ARE THREE AGES FOR WOMEN — YOUTH, MIDDLE AGE AND “YOU LOOK FABULOUS!”

BUT WITH INJECTABLES AND PLASTIC SURGERY, there may be only two left — youth and “fabulous,” since money can erase the wrinkles, the sags and bags, the grey hair, the tummy fat and the underarm “wings.”

A SYMPATHETIC CHECKBOOK, determination, exercise and diet can defeat Father Time and confuse Mother Nature.

Middle age and (heavens forbid) old age, can be eradicated and made obsolete — we have proof.

ACTRESS SOPHIA LOREN, who insists she has not had cosmetic surgery, is perhaps the best example of multiple surgeries, etc. If you see any of her old movies you cannot help but notice that today she has a new nose, mouth, slant of the eyes, cheekbones and who knows what other “improvements.” And we saw her 20 years ago before she had her neck reshaped and had her facelift and she looked ancient. Today, not so much.

STAYING SLIM IS A MAJOR FACTOR in looking young. Keeping their figures and using the latest in cosmetic offerings, we don’t cringe when we see Goldie Hawn, Ivana Trump, Ivanka Trump, Jacqueline Bisset, Bianca Jagger, Meg Ryan, Diane Keaton, Marie Osmond, Lauren Hutton, Angelina Jolie, Demi Moore and Katie Couric, to name a few.

BEAUTY EDITORS offer suggestions for looking younger than you are, and most are sensible. Keep active and get a hobby — but don’t play golf (it is an “old” sport). Forget dark lipstick, red nail polish, fussy eyeglass frames, frosted hair, permed hair and black motorcycle jackets. Remember how ridiculous Elizabeth Taylor looked wearing one years ago, when acting like she was Malcolm Forbes’ girlfriend?

GREY HAIR IS THE MOST AGING FEATURE. Unless you are beautiful like Katherine Chez Malkin with a mane of stunning silver down to there, forget going “natural.” White hair, especially, makes you look like George Washington and he only made it to a $1 bill. When your friends tell you that “your face looks so young you can let your hair go grey and look marvelous, dahling,” don’t believe them. Look in the mirror.

SMART FEMMES OVER 40, AND 60, don’t rely on Botox, injectables, Thermage and facelifts alone. Exercise, if only a brisk walk or hardcore shopping, can firm those thighs. Be charitable. Doing good works can make you feel great, and vibrant, and part of the real world. Be a good person.

THE GLAMOUR GALS OF YESTERYEAR — Marilyn Monroe, Jane Fonda, Pamela Anderson, Raquel Welch, Madonna, Jackie Kennedy, Pamela Harriman, Audrey Hepburn, Elizabeth Taylor, Lena Horne and Cleopatra — all used available treatments to make them look younger. It is the nature of the beast, when the beast wants to be queen of the jungle.

WHO IS THE WEALTHY MEDIC who just dumped his second trophy wife and has gone back to Wifey One? He couldn’t take the late night partying, the excessive drinking, the phony new friends and his slutty mother-in-law.

WE WISH OUR NEW NEIGHBOR ROSIE O’DONNELL and her love, fiancée Michelle Rounds, a headhunter, much happiness. They met at a Starbucks, bonded over a puppy, and will live in the $2.5 million Lake View home that Rosie bought from an Oprah exec who moved to California. They also have a home in New York City. Meanwhile, O’Donnell is building an audience for her OWN talk show. She’s pleased that under New York’s new gay marriage law they can have a ceremony in the Big Apple. Hat designer Julianne Glatz posed with Rosie at a recent party and Steve Starr got the shot.

WHEN MICHAEL JORDAN and girlfriend, Cuban-American model Yvette Prieto, 32, bought a home together in Florida two years ago, we first learned of the beauty and our sports star. Now comes the announcement that the basketball legend is officially engaged. He was divorced from gorgeous Juanita Vanoy in 2006. Who will she wed?

ACCLAIMED CHEF CHARLIE TROTTER must have made one hell of a new year’s resolution! He’s closing his amazing restaurant Aug. 31 and with wife Rochelle, will go back to school, travel and plan another eatery — obviously his bucket list overfloweth.

BRAVE BARISTA “J” from the Starbucks at Pearson and State, chased a woman two blocks and recovered the customer’s purse she had stolen. The culprit turned over a table, grabbed the handbag and bolted for the door, with “J” in hot pursuit. Our heroine suffered a sprained ankle. Steven Miszkowicz of Green Recycling Technologies on West Chestnut Street, told us about it and he’s hoping “J” gets praise for her unselfish action.

SAY HAPPY BIRTHDAY to Mel Gibson, Katie Couric and Nick Cage.

DINING IN THE DARK is a new trend and we understand it has its charms, but we don’t see it becoming a common habit. However, in New York City, following similar Dans le Noir restaurants opening in London, Paris, Barcelona, Moscow and St. Petersburg, it is a hit. Diners eat in pitch black darkness, and even Kate Middleton and Prince William have made the murky scene in London. Eating in the dark makes guests taste foods differently, says co-founder Edouard de Broglie, because diners use all of their other senses. Vegetables, he insists, are especially tasty and special.

Servers are visually impaired and trained to take orders and wait tables in these eateries that boast coal black walls. Yes, the restaurant has insurance because “there is danger in the dark.” How long before a Dans le Noir restaurant opens in Chicago? The glitterati adore trying the latest fad.

THE SEXIEST WOMAN OF ALL TIME is mediocre actress Jennifer Aniston? How ridiculous can you get? Men’s Health Magazine must be joking! They picked “girl next door” Aniston from all the beautiful, exciting, talented females in the world and gave her this coveted title? Second on their list was Raquel Welch. In her fur bikini, maybe. To Jennifer’s credit, she suggested that Brigitte Bardot should reign. We do understand that by “sexiest in the world,” the males were picking a girl who was “available, and funny … funny is sexy,” they insisted. Then why didn’t they choose Phyllis Diller?

THE GREATEST STORY EVER TOLD may be your own, says Custom Interviews’ Karen Ross. This former talk radio personality captures people’s life stories with video interviews, preserving memories, insights and wishes in their own voice and words. Karen turns her interview into a CD or a video package. Her technique is popular for birthdays, anniversaries and retirements.

WHO CREATED THE MOST GLAMOROUS CHRISTMAS CARD? No contest. Bill Farley and Shelley MacArthur Farley win hands down. In their handsome photo we see son Liam Farley, beautiful songstress Shelley, newlyweds Scott and Kate MacArthur, actor Hayes MacArthur and wife actress Ali Larter with baby Theodore, and proud papa Bill.

OUR VOTE FOR HOTTEST HOLIDAY CARD CUTIE goes to powerful superwoman Eleanor Varnes, darling daughter of Cynthia and Rich Varnes. He’s the personable manager of popular RL restaurant.

JAY LENO COMES TO TOWN April 28 to share laughs on behalf of Omniyouth.org which supports at risk young people and has helped 500,000 to date. His show will be at the Cadillac Palace Theater.

DO YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO DIE? YES, says the Chicago End-of-Life Care Coalition headed by Loretta Downs. It educates and advocates improving quality of life choices at the end of life. The Patient Self-Determination Act of 1991 grants the right to accept or reject any medical treatment to everyone over 18 even if that choice results in death. The death with dignity option should be legal, if it is not, people will take action with violent and lonely suicides. Goal should be to provide adequate support so that neither extreme option is necessary. No one wants a Terry Schiavo living death fiasco. Make your wishes known to your family now. A Living Will, a health care Power of Attorney, will spare everyone the pain and confusion of facing end-of-life choices. Spell out how you feel about the use of artificial nutrition and hydration, use of ventilators and other life supports, resuscitation or CPR. There are fates worse than death. Call 773-296-7247.

CAROL “MICKEY” NORTON, IS BEING INDUCTED into the Illinois Hockey Hall of Fame but that’s just the tip of the iceberg for this high achiever. She’s a limited partner of the Chicago Bulls and the White Sox and was the first woman to ever trade in a Chicago Mercantile Exchange pit. That was in 1972. Mickey is still a full member of the CME. After graduating from college at 19, she became a consulting actuary, then worked on Gov. Adlai Stevenson’s staff, then for a senator in Washington, D.C., got married, had three kids and started a AAA youth hockey team in 1981 to help members get college scholarships. Divorced, with four grandkids and various charities to keep this dynamo busy, this silver fox is a role model extraordinaire.

A DREAM TRIP TO PERU with vivacious Cece Gonzales of Raymi Productions is a five-day, six-night adventure from May 16 to 23. Machu Picchu is just one attraction planned by native Cece in this affordable, historical, fun excursion to South America. Her partner in Raymi, Melinda Joseph, will also be in the party. It is one hot ticket. Call 312-890-3028 for more information.

AN AMAZING ART COLLECTION of 100 valuable paintings, the Nahmad Collection, is now at the Kunsthaus Museum in Zurich, Switzerland, lent by the Nahmad brothers, the largest art dealers in the world. Proud of her brothers is Denise Amon, once the doyenne at Marshall Field’s 28 Shop. The family headquarters is in Monaco, where two generations have been offering Picassos, Monets, Renoirs, Degas, Seurats and Matisses.

ACTRESS RITA MORENO will play the mother of Fran Drescher’s character on the spring TV sitcom Happily Divorced.

“ATHENS: THE GREEK DEBT CRISIS that has roiled world markets for weeks was resolved when Greece agreed to marry TV reality star Kim Kardashian for 72 days. It is expected to net billions for Greece’s debt-strapped economy.” This was Andy Borowitz’s article in Funny Times. I don’t want to spread rumors about Kim, Borowitz continued, “but I’ve heard she’s seeing Italy.”

THE COVE, FISHER STEVENS’ Oscar-winning documentary about the plight of dolphins in Japan, was the reason the Empire State Building in New York City used red lights to raise awareness. They wouldn’t turn colored lights on for Spiderman, but for dolphins, they acted.

“HAVING BREAST CANCER IS MASSIVE AMOUNTS OF NO FUN. FIRST THEY MUTILATE YOU, THEN THEY POISON YOU, THEN THEY BURN YOU. I HAVE BEEN ON BLIND DATES BETTER THAN THAT.” —MOLLY IVINS

CONTACT: annbgerber@gmail.com or 847-677-2232