Christmas wishes in Newtown's shadow

12/19/2012 10:00 PM

Ann Gerber

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Merry Christmas and Happy Hanukah! We wish you health, wealth and stealth.

YOU KNOW ALL ABOUT HEALTH. Without it life sucks. Wealth? Ideally, you can live the good life and help others. Stealth? Cunning and secrecy keep you from Facebook foolishness, email disasters and general stupid, dangerous behavior.

THE CHRISTMAS HOLIDAYS mean different things to different people. It is the deeply religious time, says Dave Barry, that each of us observes in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice. “I never believed in Santa Claus,” insisted Dick Gregory. “Because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark.”

I HAVE ALL THESE PEOPLE to give Christmas gifts to, confides Ellen DeGeneres, “and you know what I have found? There are some very nice things at the 99 cents store.” “Christmas is a time when kids tell Santa what they want and adults pay for it. Deficits are when adults tell the government what they want and their kids pay for it,” asserts Richard Lamm.

“MARRY AN ORPHAN. You’ll never have to spend boring Christmas holidays with the in-laws,” advised George Carlin. “Christmas is a holiday that persecutes the lonely, the frayed and the rejected,” mused Jimmy Cannon.

AN OLD JAY LENO COMMENT IS STILL VALID. “The Supreme Court ruled no nativity scene in Washington, D.C. Not for religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.” “Christmas is forced on a reluctant nation by shopkeepers and the press,” snarled George Bernard Shaw. Bah, Humbug!

PEACE AND GOODWILL AND LOVE is needed all around the world or we all shall perish.

MEANWHILE, THERE IS BLOOD ON OUR HANDS from the Newtown, Conn. massacre of 20 innocent kids and six teachers because we have been too meek about demanding gun control. Lawmakers, citizens, all let the NRA dictate guns for all, including assault weapons. Who will be the next champion killer? You know there will be copycat slaughters. It is too easy to buy a gun, too easy to kill anyone, too easy to make an entire nation cry. Tears of genuine pain. Tears of guilt.

Gossip, gossip, gossip

HAS THE TV NEWSWOMAN ON A LOCAL STATION figured out yet that her writer husband is sending hot and heavy emails to the woman he’s having an affair with and promised to marry? He met her as a source for an article.

WILL YOU GET A JIMMY CHOO HANDBAG for Christmas? Since the theft of the pricey purses from the Oak Street salon, there may be some interesting gifts surfacing.

WHO IS THE SOCIALITE who has never let her husband of eight years see her without makeup? She sleeps with her daytime face until he leaves in the morning, then she washes up. “I don’t feel attractive without help,” she admits. “My guy is a hunk and I never want to feel inadequate as far as beauty is concerned. I look so much better with makeup.” (Hey, don’t we all?) Surprisingly, her skin is lovely and unblemished.

WHO IS THE RICH EXEC who squires the most beautiful models when his wife is not around? He encourages the missus to shop in New York City so he can be free to frolic.

WHAT JOHN BODINE DID FOR LOVE at the Skibo Castle in Scotland? He dressed up in kilt and plaids to please author wife Sherrill. She was scouting out a super plot for one of her romance novels when they vacationed at the fabled landmark.
PERSONABLE PHIL SIUDAK, general manager of Chicago Cut, 300 N. La Salle, getting raves for his Sunday brunch dishes.

BELATED HAPPY BIRTHDAY to pretty bond Nancy Kelley, who welcomed twin grandkids recently.

SEN. MARK KIRK deserves a special party when he makes it back to Washington and the Senate floor Jan. 3. He has been brave and disciplined with his intensive therapy after his stroke last Jan. 21. This January will see him on the job with a cane and leg brace.

SAY HAPPY BIRTHDAY to Brad Pitt, Ray Romano, Kiefer Sutherland, Katie Homes, Ray Liotta, Steven Spielberg, Benjamin Bratt, Eugene Levy.

OUR CHRISTMAS BELLE for 2012 is the gorgeous and philanthropic Mary Lasky, active member of the Service Club and busy mom. Santa can’t wait to climb down her chimney.
A CARDBOARD BICYCLE has been created by an Israeli amateur cyclist, reports The Economist, with the tires of solid rubber and the pedals recycled plastic bottles. The cost? $9 to $12 - - a boon to poor countries.

OUR COLD WEATHER SPOOKED MARILYN MONROE who left us for the warm breezes of Palm Springs. Hair stylist Spyros Petros, who winters there, sent us this pix to show ol’ Marilyn, who graced our Michigan Avenue for many months, is perky and warm waiting for Santa.

ARTIST LICHA DE LA PENA’S painting will be on the CD Smoke Signals for Mercaba, a Jazz quartet.

OF ALL THE DRIVEL I HAVE WRITTEN over the years, my diatribe about chintzy Walmart took the cake for reader John Lane. He figured out that if Walmart paid its employees more and gave them health care, as I suggested, their prices would not be so low. Duh! What do you want, John? Employees getting a living wage and customers paying 10 cents more and less profit for the billionaire Walton family is a scenario we can all live with.

ARTIST LINCOLN SCHATZ, whose father Jack once owned the Chez Paree, has a book, “The Network: Portrait Conversations” about his innovative video portraiture which uses video to create pictures of people, places, events. This unusual book features 100 depictions of politicians, scientists, scholars who play pivotal roles in our lives. It has evolved from his earlier sculpture workings.

FILTHY BUT HILARIOUS, the Comedy Roasts on TV are state-of-the-art put-downs by very talented comics. The recent raunchy roasting of Larry the Cable Guy was mastered by the unlikely appearance of actor Gary Busey, thought to be hampered by a brain injury during a motorcycle accident in 1988. To our amazement, Gary was the sharpest, best of show! His delivery, material, appearance were superb. And the audience loved him. Larry, not so much.

IN TOWN HYPING HIS LATEST BOOK, “Recover to Live: Kick Any Habit, Manage Any Addiction” was handsome Christopher Kennedy Lawford, the son of the late actor Peter Lawford and Pat Kennedy. The actor, author, lawyer is CEO of Global Recovery Initiative. After battling addictions in his early life, Chris has spent 25 years working to effect change and raise awareness of addiction and the best self-care treatments.

THERE IS A SANTA CLAUS AND HE HAS ELF HELPERS! That’s the belief of pretty Sheree Valukas who met Willy the Elf and became a convert to all things Christmas at a University Club holiday party.

LUNCHING WITH GOLD COAST MADAM AUTHOR Ruth Laws at Gibson’s, were Fran Johnson, Maggie Dempsey, Mary Kay Touhy Silverman, Jannie Pearlman, Sherrill Bodine and Countess Mimi Fairview. All found Ruth to be a charming, fun lady, with some super stories about the hanky-panky business.

SEEN DINING ON CHEF STEVE LEVITON’S fine dishes at cozy Kiki’s Bistro, 900 N. Fairbanks, were Nancy Berman, Gwen and Peter Norin, Gert and Dick Waxenberg, the Robert Denisons, Burns Cabot.

THE DEAD CELEBRITY COOKBOOK Presents: Christmas in Tinseltown, Star Recipes and Hollywood Memories from Six Feet Under the Mistletoe. No kidding. This is a clever little paperback filled with Frank De Caro’s stories and best dishes from all the dead actors and actresses we loved, like Joan Crawford, Lucille Ball, Dick Clark, Rosemary Clooney, Nat “King” Cole, Peggy Lee, Burl Ives, Guy Lombardo at $14.95.

In chapters like “Miracle Whip on 34th Street,” “Eat Meat in St. Louis,” De Caro dishes up a smorgasbord of culinary delights that give you delicious dish. And tasty food as well. Enjoy!

FIRST STATE TO LEGALIZE MARIJUANA for adult recreational use, is Washington which made history. The law allows possession of small amounts of the drug but forbids users from lighting up in public

DEAR SANTA: PLEASE BRING HONEY BOO BOO some dolls and other gifts and then move her to another planet to save thousands of kids from imitating her, idolizing her.

LET’S HEAR IT FOR THE C.A.R., Chicago Association of Realtors which has upped its hurricane relief to $25,000, reports president Zeke Morris.

THODOS DANCE CO. will celebrate its 21st birthday Feb. 2 at the Cultural Center with a gala benefit. Kim Vatis is chair.

THAT WAS LAWYER AND FATHERS’ RIGHTS ADVOCATE Jeffery Leving on the Mancow TV show with Jesse Ventura, former governor of Minnesota and Navy Seal.

HAPPY TO HEAR that dedicated charitable Rhoda Ann Miller is better after severe sciatica that did not prevent this trooper from guiding the Chicago Chamber Music Society.

DOOMSDAY ON DIVISION, if the world doesn’t end, will be celebrated Dec. 21 at Mother’s Too, The Hangge-Uppe, The Original Mothers, Bootleggers, She-Nannigans, Lodge with the best party planned for Dec. 22 at Mahoney’s for all survivors. There will be drinks and T-shirts for those still kicking.

CHRISTMAS WILL BE DOGGONE GOOD for Carolyn Ziv and Tony Natale who got ready for the holidays at a Drake Hotel benefit for Paws. They supported the million dollar fundraising to help the no-kill shelter adopt out hundreds of pets, dogs and cats.

PEACE ON EARTH, Good will toward men? The latest ugly, ridiculous tall tale about President Obama, circulated by far-right propagandist Jerome Corsi would be funny if it wasn’t so welcomed by the haters out there. According to the Southern Poverty Law Center’s winter intelligence briefs, the current Corsi theory is that Obama is gay and married to a Pakistani man. How sick can you get? The center’s researched updates on extremism, Neo-Nazis, threats and violence all over our country make a frightening mockery of Peace on Earth, Good will toward man.
SPLC has identified more than 1,000 hate and extremist groups in our nation and helps train law enforcement officers to combat them with the latest and best intelligence about the groups’ activities and members, in contact with the FBI and Secret Service. We must all fight hate, teach tolerance and seek justice, at Christmas and every day of the year.

ENJOY THE HOLIDAYS. BE SAFE, BE WELL, BE HAPPY, and grateful for all the blessings we share.

CONTACT: annbgerber@gmail.com or 847-677-2232



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