Dear Santa, please deliver these gifts

12/22/2010

FOR MAGGIE DALEY, MICHAEL DOUGLAS, ARETHA FRANKLIN and millions of others, please bring a cure for cancer. FOR PRESIDENT OBAMA, make him a tougher, wily street-fighter. ELECT RAHM EMANUEL MAYOR OF CHICAGO because he’s a tough, wily, street-fighter.
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Honor for Rumsfeld blasted by alums

12/15/2010

ACTRESS ANN-MARGRET, mayoral candidate Rahm Emanuel, actor Bruce Dorn, movie producer Edward Zwick, restaurateur Charlie Trotter, Boeing CEO James McNerney, TV news anchor Walter Jacobson and Sen. Mark Kirk didn’t make the first list of New Trier Township High Alumni Hall of Fame.
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Diogenes has found his honest man

12/08/2010

THERE IS ONE HONEST, SELFLESS MAN in our midst, so ancient Greek philosopher Diogenes can finally put down his lamp and stop searching. THAT RARE HONEST CITIZEN IS BILLIONAIRE WARREN BUFFETT, nobody’s fool and an outspoken, common sense kinda guy.
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Horror pix on cig packs good idea

12/01/2010

WHY JUST DEADLY RESULT PIX on cigarette packs? Sure, they cause disease and deaths and horror pix can scare some smokers away, but what about other necessary warnings?
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Turkeys talking on Thanksgiving eve

11/24/2010

EVERYBODY COMES WITH BAGGAGE, and it rarely is Louis Vuitton. More than likely it is a failed marriage, or two; teenage shoplifting, repercussions from drinking, drug use; petty theft, alienation of parents or friends — we’re mentioning extreme luggage. Of course, most of us are lilywhite, pristine examples of all-American men and women with nothing too shocking in our past history.
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Rich? Beware your hungry heirs

11/17/2010

THIS WARNING IS FOR MILLIONAIRES ONLY. The rest of you are probably safe. IF YOU HAVE HEIRS, AND THEY ARE ALWAYS HUNGRY FOR YOUR RICHES, this year is the best year for them, if you die. WHY? THERE IS NO FEDERAL ESTATE TAX through 2010.
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Young mom has world's worst job

11/10/2010

WE ARE ALL HORRIFIED and frightened to learn about bombs in packages from Yemen meant for Chicago. And we should be scared, and vigilant, and brave. We cannot let the bastards win.
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Young love for sale, cheap

11/03/2010

CHEATING MARRIED MEN are having the sex of their lives with beautiful young women they find through craigslist.org. One immoral, short, fat, balding lying husband confided to me that twice a week he has his pick of “10”s - -”truly stunning young girls desperate for rent money, cash to pay their bills, some even hungry for a decent meal ... and they are happy to service me in my car or where ever I take them.
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Your appliance gets last word

10/20/2010

WATCH OUT FOR LOOSE LIPS … We just learned that Kenmore, Sears’ appliances, includes a line of washers and dryers that talk! YES, TALK! WHEN THERE IS A PROBLEM, you dial the service repair number and it listens as your machine explains what is wrong. Service agents then make a diagnosis to get the ill appliance healthy and working properly.

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How does it feel to be rich?

10/06/2010

WITH A GUN TO MY HEAD, held by a young robber who invaded my townhouse at Burton and Clark many years ago, I answered his question, "How does it feel to be rich"? "I'M NOT RICH," I PROTESTED, "I've worked hard for everything I have. Being rich means never having to worry about paying your bills, and I must keep working to pay my rent, buy food, clothes and everything else."
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