WATCH OUT FOR LOOSE LIPS … We just learned that Kenmore, Sears’ appliances, includes a line of washers and dryers that talk!

YES, TALK! WHEN THERE IS A PROBLEM, you dial the service repair number and it listens as your machine explains what is wrong. Service agents then make a diagnosis to get the ill appliance healthy and working properly.

A WISE MAN, JIM HIGHTOWER, in his Lowdown newsletter, sees dangerous implications that didn’t occur to us. How long before the machines do their own dialing, he asks, perhaps even calling other washer-dryers in your area to form their own insurgent pods?

DO WE REALLY KNOW WHAT ELSE IS TUCKED into appliances we take into our homes? The owner’s manual, reminds Jim, is written by a computer and for all we know, our laundry rooms may be listening to us, secretly recording our thoughts, comings and goings. Hightower asserts that the washer-dryer combos probably are not in this alone.

CO-CONSPIRATORS COULD BE YOUR SELF-STARTING COFFEE MAKER, your “smart” refrigerator and even your all-knowing cell phone. Jim realizes that “We the People” really know nothing about the techo-gizmos that outnumber and surround us. What if they choose to rise up en masse and bring our civilization down in a nanosecond?

GEE! NOW WE HAVE SOMETHING ELSE TO WORRY ABOUT, besides plagues, recessions, wars, mine disasters, floods, Blago capers, Paris Hilton sightings, terrorists, the heliport, Mayor Daley leaving and the dirty election battles. And winter is coming …

GLAM CHARITABLES led by Irene Michaels and Candace Jordan will highlight the 50 and Fabulous fashion show Oct. 21 at the Palm Court in the Drake Hotel.....Judge not, lest you be judged, is the mantra of smart socialities who don’t act like demented divas.

WHAT DID MICHELLE OBAMA and Gov. Pat Quinn discuss while here hyping Demo candidates? Their veggie gardens, that’s what, while Joanna Sobran took a photo of them.

WHO IS THE SPOILED ROTTEN SON, who changed his religion to show his father how little he respected his legacy, who has been caught embezzling from the family firm? This should be the straw that broke the camel’s back, but his dad just can’t be objective about this bad seed.

WHEN TWO ATTRACTIVE BRUNETTES discovered they were wearing the same $5,000 designer gown to the Lyric Opera opening, which one smiled, went over and complimented her “twin”? The one with class. The other one sulked and frowned and walked away.

OBAMA AND MICHELLE ARE PREPPIES? YES, ACCORDING TO LISA BIRNBACH, author of True Prep, who has authored an exhaustive and exhausting handbook of all things preppy. (Can 50 and 60-year-olds still be preppy?) At a Mity Nice party hosted by Sugar Rautbord, young and older came to learn about preppy. “Wake up, Muffy, we’re back” was the cry. Lisa faults the TV hit “Gossip Girl” for having no true preppy gals and insists that you buy a piano so you can put all your family photos out for all to see.

GOOD SPORTS LAPPING UP PREPPY TIPS at the book’s debut, were seriously non-preppy types like MAUREN and E.B. SMITH, JERRY BERLIANT, RICH MELMAN, M.K. PRITZKER, GERI SHUTE, the DAVID COOLIDGES, HOWARD TULLMAN, SUZETTE BULLEY, JOAN STEEL and others who are probably still reading Lisa’s original 80s bestseller, The Official Preppie Handbook.

IT WAS A MILLION DOLLAR PARTY … The ritzy Evergreen Invitational Grand Prix at the Pritzker farm in Bristol, Wis., attracted 600 guests who raised that impressive amount for patient support at Northwestern Memorial Hospital. Kent Farrington won the $75,000 first prize on his mount, Up Chique. In our photo from the event we see, from the left, M.K. PRITZKER, SUZETTE BULLEY, LAURA DAVIS, J.B. PRITZKER, TONY DAVIS, ALLEN BULLEY AND KENT ATOP HIS AMAZING HORSE.

ICING ON THE CAKE FOR SERVICE CLUB OF CHICAGO’S 120TH ANNIVERSARY BLACK TIE GALA Nov. 5, The Magic of The White City, is having author Erik Larson of “The Devil in the White City” as honored guest. Bill Kurtis is MC and with TV channel 2 buddy Walter Jacobson will be celebrity auctioneer. Co-chairs are Sally Jo Morris and Vonita Reescer and the after party will headline singer Nan Mason with Terry Higgins. Service Club president is Peggy Martay. Tickets are $375. Call 312-388-1814.

“BODY WORK,” SARA PARETSKY’S latest who done-it, is her 14th V.I. Warshawski novel about a Chicago private eye. This time she spends the night at a local club, Gouge, where a body artist is painted, then murdered. It is bloodier than her usual books, and is a can’t-put-down read.

FORMER CHARLIE’S ANGELS actress Jaclyn Smith is marking 25 years as a Kmart clothing designer. She’s 64 and looks much younger, because she says she doesn’t smoke or drink or do drugs. Her fourth husband is ex-Chicagoan Dr. Bradley Allen, a pediatric surgeon. For several years before they wed in ‘97, Jaclyn flew into town almost every weekend to see her love. Smith, a Texas beauty, has always kept her garments classy and understated, and reasonable in price and she’s been a winner.

RED HOT AND RICH, STANLEY PAUL’S tribute to the musical genius Cole Porter, rated a standing ovation at the recent Guild of the Chicago History Museum cabaret evening. President Mrs. John Werhane welcomed 140 guests including: JIM AND ABRA WILKIN, DUSTY STEMER, TONY ROSSI, CHAIR ADRIENNE AND ARNOLD BROOKSTONE, LIZ STIFFEL, LAURIE DAVIS, ERICA MEYER AND POTTER PALMER, SHIRLEY MICHELS, PEGGY MARTAY, JEFF BYRON, MEG STEELE AND TOM MC DONALD, THE MARK DAVISES, THE CRAIG CURTISES, THE MACK TRAPPS, WILLIAM HADDAD, MARCIA LOTT, EVELYN BYRON, DONNAN STEELE, KATHY FOX, CYNTHIA OLSON, RAY DRYMALSKI, THE RICHARD LANES, VICKI GREENE, THE PAUL PREDICKS, BRIAN WHITE, JIM KINNEY, THE ROBERT ZENTNERS,THE DAVID RUSSES, JOYCE LEAVITT, THE BILL DE PREISTS, LINDA KOHUT, THE BILL HOODS, CAROL ANDERSON, LYSSE PIETTE.

WITH FUCHIA HAIR, GREEN NAILS, SPARKLY RED BOOTIES, a wild print gown — who was this rainbow? Our fave British designer Zandra Rhodes, who presented a flattering feminine fur collection at a Neiman Marcus dinner for fashionistas. And the furs were to die for — sable, mink, broadtail, worked like fine fabrics into wearable but sensational modern jackets, vests, coats. Nobody has her classic styling, yet with pizzazz. Longtime buddy Victor Skrebneski was there to honor Zandra as everyone drooled over her furry confections.

WHO WEARS ZANDRA RHODES? JACKIE KENNEDY, PRINCESS DIANA, and Chicago’s best dressed. In past years, when Marshall Field’s held a sale of Zandra’s exquisite gowns, some women bought a dozen at a time, especially our Texas oil heiress who purchased them for herself, mama, sisters, daughters. Rhodes, who has also designed linens and bags, wants to bring her dresses “back to Chicago. I have a long love affair with your city.” Amen.

HOOKERS, ALL OVER THE TINY PRINCIPALITY … So say tourists back from Monaco. “Some were brazenly trying to get near Prince Albert who was hosting a trade group, and had to be moved by police,” reported one shocked visitor.

ACTOR ED NORTON, starring in “Stone,” shown at the Chicago International Film Festival, hates to be photographed and our Linda Matlow barely got this pic of him on the red carpet. (Audience was mixed on the exciting flick. Many weren’t thrilled with it.)

CAREER ACHIEVEMENT AWARD from the Black Perspectives Committee of the Film Festival was given to actor Forest Whitaker by festival founder and director Mike Kutza.

RISING VOICE OF WOMEN, of the International Women Associates saw Diane Ciral honoring former Kenya ambassador Prudence Bushnell for her labors calling attention to the ‘94 genocide in Twanda. It was featured in the film “Sometimes in April” with Debra Winger.

EVEREST CHEF JOHO added his expertise to the new cookbooks “85 Inspirational Chefs” and “Chefs at Home.” Both are treasures of recipes and how-to advice. These lavish books drip with culinary grandeur from Relais & Chateaux chefs, offering pictures and magical words. The books are $60 and $30. Call 877-334-6464.

KATE WALSH AND BILL DEC WERE HONORED at a brunch to benefit the Piven Theater Workshop in Evanston.

HAROLD SCHIFF IS THE HONOREE at the Oct. 23 Architecture & Design Society of the Art Institute Modern Ball in the Modern Wing.

LADY VALERIE SOLTI will fly here for the Oct. 26 annual benefit at the Casino that raises funds to help young musicians in memory of Sir Georg Solti. He was conductor of the Chicago Symphony Orchestra from 1969 to 1991. Benefit chair is Nancy Kempt,

RALLY TO RESTORE SANITY, and the March to Keep Fear Alive, set for Oct. 30 on Washington’s National Mall, are the dream projects of comics Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert, of Second City. They are planning these D.C. rallies to show up Glenn Beck and to focus on midterm elections. These Comedy Central stalwarts are hoping for sanity, but oddballs, crying fools like Beck command their own weird legions. Will sane and sensible supporters flock to D.C. Oct. 30? It sounds like fun. Jon and Stephen have our admiration but we’re staying home.

SHE’S THE BEAUTIFUL FOIL ON “THE MENTALIST,” and our Robin Tunney, 38, lived here until she moved to L.A. when she was 18. Robin, who plays tough and terrific investigative agent Teresa Lisbon opposite Simon Baker’s Patrick Jane, has a slew of relatives here and often returns. A cousin is Ald. Tom Tunney (44th).

STORIES ON THE 1418 N. LAKE SHORE building being the first completely smoke free site that bans lighting up even in their condos, did not mention residents have died of lung cancer. Former lottery chief Sharon Sharp and her husband Donald, both were victims.

NEW HEAD OF SAKS FIFTH AVENUE is charmer Jeff Byron who brought his elegant mother, Evelyn, to the History Museum Guild party.

BERNIE MADOFF LOOT on the block includes a $300,000 diamond ring worn by wife, Ruth, and a $39,000 Steinway piano. They will be sold online Nov. 13 at txauction.com. A charity, the Litwin Foundation, is suing the government for $19 million for failing to stop the Ponzi scheme.

“THE PROBLEM IS NOT that the players have sex the night before a game, it’s that they stay out all night looking for it.” —CASEY STENGEL

CONTACT: annbgerber@gmail.com or 847-677-2232