CHARLIE SHEEN ISN’T JUST A GOOD COMIC ACTOR, he’s a walking, talking, in-the-flesh Lessons in Life for Dummies.

WHAT CAN EVERYONE LEARN from foolish Charlie? Let us count the ways he has screwed up, and let all who want to avoid his plight make note.

1. Nobody is indispensable

2. Never slander your employer and expect to keep your job

3. Don’t think paying bimbos for sex brings loyalty and affection

4. Hiring lawyers to sue your boss is costly and doesn’t mean you will win $100 million

5. Did we mention nobody is indispensable?

6. The public is fickle — they love you one day and love Ashton Kutcher the next

7. Never brag about substance abuse

WE ALL KNOW CHARLIE WILL BE KILLED OFF when Two and a Half Men returns to TV Sept. 19, but how does he die? Some possibilities: Poisoning, a plane crash, a car going over a cliff, struck by lightning, shark attack, Berta rolling over on him, surfing mishap, auto accident, bathtub drowning, kidnapping by Donald Trump, bungee jumping accident, sky diving crash, lost at sea, missing in Vegas, dies while rehearsing for Dancing with the Stars, beaten to death when he got in front of a camera with the Kardashians, killed in jail, stabbed by Demi Moore.

THE SAME NIGHT Men returns to TV, a Comedy Central roast of Charlie will be viewed. Double whammy for Sheen, watching Kutcher take over Men as love-sick billionaire Walden Schmidt, while surviving the slings and arrows of every comic in the universe out to cut him to laughable shreds.

THERE CAN BE A FUTURE ON TV for Charlie but his charisma is dimmed by his manic media blitz and his dangerous lifestyle. We like the actor, hate the narcissistic braggart. But, hey, Charlie, you taught us all how not to live in the limelight.

WHO IS THE YOUNG WIFE shocked to learn her husband had been cheating on her with his ex-wife? “It wasn’t for sex,” he confessed, “it was her cooking.” After he brought his wife some of her fried chicken, spaghetti sauce and rhubarb pie, she forgave him.

WHO WAS THE BOLD BLOND who tried to exit Ikram Goldman’s swank new fashion salon, Ikram on Huron Street, wearing an $18,000 ruby and diamond bracelet she tried on? Fortunately Ikram herself intercepted the woman and got the gorgeous bauble back.

IT IS CHIC to lunch in the small, elegant little cafe in the Ikram salon. The salmon salad and fresh peach cobbler are most popular and it isn’t just fashionistas dining there. Men about town love the place.

A BREATHTAKING WEDDING in Carmel, Calif. with just family and close friends united Scott MacArthur and stunning Kate Szilagyi. Scott and Kate both went to Dartmouth but didn’t meet until Scott went to the graduate Harvard A.R.T. program. Kate has her masters in Health Psychology from UCLA. Scott, son of Shelley MacArthur Farley and Bruce MacArthur, is a writer, actor and director in Los Angeles. Kate is a master yogi and works in social media with a focus on health and nutrition. She is the daughter of doctors Peter and Moira Szilagyi. Hayes, actor brother of Scott, is married to actress Ali Larter.

BEST BUMPER STICKER OF THE WEEK: “Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you want to meet him.”

POTTY-MOUTHED COMEDIENNE Lisa Lampanelli is developing a reality show with fellow comic Chelsea Handler, who is much less “blue.”

IVANKA TRUMP’S baby daughter with husband Jared Kushner is named Arabella Rose, after his great grandmother.

IN ANTICIPATION of 2012’s Twelfth Night Masque Ball, Linda Gits and Charles Albin host a cocktail party Sept. 15 at their Magnolia Avenue home for the secret Committee of 12 and other important folks.

ONE OF OUR MOST BEAUTIFUL BRIDES is Russian-born Larisa Neshpor who was wed to David Kronfeld, venture capital investment tycoon, telecommunications industry exec and chairman of JK&B Capital. The ceremony was held at the Palmer House Hilton with zillions of red roses and a red wedding cake.

STATUESQUE BEAUTY Kathleen Casey is founder, CEO and president of Bear Necessities, a pediatric cancer foundation that provides hope and support to patients and their families. She is an inspiration to all fortunate enough to know this caring woman.

WHAT IS SO RARE as a Day on the Terrace at the Peninsula Hotel, the Service Club where members model but the unique Chili Pepper always steals the show? This year’s standouts in the audience and on the runway included President Sherrill Bodine, Toni Canada, Mary Ann Childers, Natasha Isaacs, Laurie Davis, Cheryl Coleman, Kathy Brown, Sue Carey, Jannie Pearlman, Sylvia Muller, Myra Reilly, Mamie Walton, Dusty Stemer, Lynda Silverman, Cheryl Bollinger, Cookie Cohen, Lana Cooper, Evie Glieberman, Susan Gohl, Candace Jordan, Leslie Zentner, Susie Jacobson, Peggy Jester, Nancy Kelley, Shirley Michels, Nina Mariano, Dorothy Whealan, Elizabeth Brodsky, Kim Gleeson, Lyn McKeaney, Marcia Buchanan and her mother Flora Boemi (97 years old and the longest-serving member of the service club), Sean Eshagy, Scott Bobek, Greg Hyder, Maria Zec, Bunky Cushing, Zarada Gowenlock, Virginia Bobins, Averill Leviton, Bonita Friedland, Denise Tomasello, Sheree Valukas, Shaun Rajah, Saira Cooper, Maureen Schulman, Rebecca Besser, Lynn McMahan, Rich Varnes, Louise Varnes, Suzanne Le Mignot, Jolanta Ruege and Mary Lasky.

CIVIC-MINDED PHILANTHROPISTS Jeff Silverman and his wife, Mary Kay Touhy, founded the Edward Touhy Guardian Angel Foundation to brighten the future of economically disadvantaged students by giving them scholarship grants as well as school uniforms, books, food, etc. With her brother Ed, Mary Kay honors their father, Edward Touhy, who worked two to three jobs to provide his kids with an education. Jeff’s parents, Norma and Stanley Silverman, were in town from their Omaha home to celebrate their 67th wedding anniversary and were surprised with a dinner party in the Four Seasons.

HUGH HEFNER’S EX-FIANCEE, Crystal Harris, was seen getting a sale price for the $90,000 ring Hef gifted her. She got to keep it, and a Bentley, but she gave a dog back to Hef.

WEDDING BELLS RING SEPT. 16 for Candice, daughter of the Allen Gerbers and James DeFalco, son of the Kenneth DeFalcos. The lovely bride is my grand-niece.

ACTRESS VIRGINIA MADSEN, who turns 50 Sept. 11, replaced Annette Bening in Rob Reiner’s movie Summer at Dog Dave’s.

ON A YACHT IN NICE is Cookie Cohen, vivacious widow active on the social scene, but she’s back in time to be in a fashion show for designer Quinton de Alexander on Aug. 20.

WISH HAPPY BIRTHDAY to David Duchovny, Charlize Theron, Whitney Houston, George Hamilton, Hulk Hogan, Debi Mazar, Antonio Banderas, Gillian Anderson and Dustin Hoffman.

ACTRESS AND PLAYWRIGHT REGINA TAYLOR received the Deloris Jordan Award for excellence in community leadership at the 17th Black Harvest International Festival of Film at the Siskel Film Center.

REAL ESTATE LEGENDS G.J. Cosenza and Goldie Wolfe Miller will be inducted into the Realtors Hall of Fame Oct. 5 at Navy Pier, announced founding chairman Sheldon Good. Cosenza heads Inland Real Estate Acquisitions and Goldie leads Millbrook Corporate Real Estate Services.

THOSE WARM-HEARTED FOLKS at the Illinois Currency Exchange Charitable Foundation distributed school supplies for needy kids in its annual back to school drive.

HOW COULD THEY? The Hollywood Reporter, in a story about the world’s best film schools, never mentioned the acclaimed film school at Columbia College, with a 50-year record of turning out top grads. Ruth Ratny was quick to report their list was deficient. Memorable grads working in Hollywood include Bob Teitel, George Tillman Jr., Mauro Fiore, Janusz Kaminski, Steve Pink, Dan Asma, Marion West, Peter Teschner, Mark Protosevich, Declan Quinn, Peter Berkos, Fred Pienkos, Tod Lending, Collin Daniel and Diane Weyermann.

CORI ZUCKERMAN, fashion expert, will be at the Randolph Street Market Aug. 27-28, Oct. 22-23 and Nov. 19-20 offering free styling advice and fab merchandise. Cori was a personal shopper and stylist at Neiman Marcus for more than 10 years.

ARE YOU TRAINING for the Aug. 28 Life Time Chicago Triathlon, celebrating its 29th year? Top athletes from around the world will compete along the lakefront in an amazing weekend of swimming, biking, running. Official charity is Team to End AIDS. Nick Lynch is race director.

FOOD, GAMES, FUN FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY is the promise of Misericordia’s Family Fest Sept. 11 with clowns, craft booths, dunk tank, bingo, the Shannon Rovers, bakery treats, puppet shows, Ronald McDonald, the Jesse White Tumblers and more. It’ll be held at the Misericordia Home, 6300 N. Ridge Ave.

FANS WILL BE THRILLED to hear American Idol winner Lee DeWyze, a Chicago native, is headlining the BizBash Event Planner Trade Show at the Merchandise Mart Aug. 18, according to BizBash CEO David Adler.

CLASSY ASTOR STREET invites all its neighbors to party Sept. 7 at 5:30 p.m. for the annual Gold Coast Neighbors blast on Astor between Goethe and Banks. There is music, food and great people-watching (about 800 are expected), reports Bradley Dineen.

“A SUPER PARTY with more than 400 guests, great food, music, was Kathy Brown’s annual summerfest at her palatial home in Lincolnwood Towers,” said man-about-town Jerry Berliant.

THERE IS A NEW HBO DOCUMENTARY about an old name in the world of women — Gloria Steinem, 77, and a veteran of the war to liberate women.

Gloria: In Her Own Words shows us her career, from Bunny hopping at Playboy to her launching of the magazine Ms., to her never-ending battle to free femmes from their man-given shackles. With abortion targeted by conservative groups, we expect to see Gloria manning the ramparts, as usual, standing up for her sisters’ rights.

BEWARE A HANDSOME HUNK who likes to play “doctor” and tells the girls he dates that he’s a surgeon. He’s a car salesman who can’t even carve a steak.

“THE TWO BIGGEST SELLERS IN ANY BOOKSTORE ARE THE COOKBOOKS AND THE DIET BOOKS. THE COOKBOOKS TELL YOU HOW TO PREPARE THE FOOD, AND THE DIET BOOKS TELL YOU HOW NOT TO EAT ANY OF IT.”

—­ANDY ROONEY

CONTACT: annbgerber@gmail.com or 847-677-2232