WE’VE ALL GIGGLED at the dumped lovers who Crazy Glued the genitals of their cheating partners, or marveled at the ripping up of the seats in a Mercedes, after “keying” the body of the innocent car. But one furious woman wanted a long-time revenge, so she figured out a smelly solution. The Enquirer reports Lauren Hart, 21, not only cut the legs off her cheating lover’s pants, and burned his sheets, she planted sardines inside the seat cover of his favorite TV chair, and placed mashed up shrimp inside his bed’s mattress.

THE HORRIBLE STENCH made his life miserable and he was too dumb to figure it all out until several weeks later. Smelly revenge was a success.

NOT AS BRILLIANT, but effective, was the action of a young lawyer who got the doorman of her lover’s Lake Shore Drive condo to let her “leave him a little surprise gift.” She poured bleach on his clothes, and wrote in red paint “You’re a louse” on his living room wall.

MY FAVORITE is the tale of the wife, away on business, who returned home earlier than expected and found sexy lingerie and expensive cosmetics and perfume in their master bedroom. She threw everything out the windows of their Astor Street condo. The manager alerted her husband, who made sure his mistress never returned.

CUTTING OFF ALL PANTS LEGS AT THE KNEE AND SLASHING JACKETS TO SHREDS is commonplace with angry women.

DUMPED MEN ARE VICIOUS, TOO. A dentist we knew, who had spent a fortune on a bimbo, went to her flat on State Parkway and took back the mink coat and all the jewelry he could find, and smashed the Lalique he had given her. She threatened to sue but never did.

DISAPPOINTED, HUMILIATED sweethearts turn into bitches, calling all the women they know who might date their ex, and telling them he has a venereal disease or AIDS, or that he’s cheap, awful in bed or has no real friends.

WHEN DREAMS ARE SHATTERED, nothing is sacred. One Viagra Triangle regular offered us $500 to print an unflattering, nasty item about his girlfriend who dumped him. When we said “no,” he wanted to run his message as an ad, addressed to Worst Date of My Life. Of course we said it wasn’t news — just personal poison.

THERE WAS A MARRIED MAN, notorious for dating pretty young girls and never revealing his true situation, who got his comeuppance from a trio of his conquests. A story about him in a local magazine, mentioning his wife in New York City, sealed his fate.

THE ATTRACTIVE TRIO cornered him in Spago, several years ago, and in that busy restaurant poured red wine over his head, dumped his dinner in his lap, slashed his coat and left with his date. He has kept a low profile ever since.

THE GOOD NEWS is that violence is rare, but the bad news is that broken hearts are slow to mend. Who can you trust? Who can you love?

MEL GIBSON, SICK RACIST, got the brunt of ex-mistress Oksana Grigorieva’s anger and desire for revenge (and a big financial payout) when she taped his rants. Wise Oksana knew “how to push his buttons” and record his ugly racist complaints. She’s no angel — was it true love? Joke of the week. But no one has any sympathy for Mad Mel and the smart public has little for Oksana too. Their babe is the only innocent in this affair.

IT IS A JUNGLE OUT THERE — and monkey business can result from broken relationships.

WHO IS THE SAVVY, ATTRACTIVE investment guru “fired by her masseuse?” He asked her to never return because she has to be in control and drove him crazy demanding to know about every detail, each move, why not this way? Every minute of her day, every breath is disciplined and planned. Too much for those around her.

WHO WAS THAT HANDSOME COUPLE at the Zoo Ball? Legal eagle Ray Drymalski and stunning Kathy Fox. Romance is in the air.

SORRY TO LEARN THAT SHERREN LEIGH AND HARVEY HADDON have split. Sherren, of Today’s Chicago Woman, was on the arm of photographic genius Victor Skrebneski at the Lincoln Park Zoo gala.

TWO WOMEN WHO DATED the silver-haired bachelor “who didn’t pay $320 for tickets to Billy Elliot,” called to say he’s a terrific date and spent a lot of money on them. They defended him as one of our nicest, most desirable bachelors.

RAPES AT THE WORLD CUP cities hosting matches must be down! A new anti-rape condom, with jagged teeth that don’t let go, were given to 30,000 South African women by Dr. Sonnet Ehlers, inventor of the Rape-aXe. It is inserted like a tampon and has hooks inside that can latch onto an attacker’s penis. If a rapist tries to remove it, it clasps even tighter. It hurts, he cannot pee or walk when in its grasp. Only a doctor can remove it.

THE FUN IN TOY STORY 3 multiplied when 750 parents and kids met Chicago actors Bonnie Hunt, Joan Cusack and Jeff Garlin who provide voices in the flick. It was a benefit for Comer Children’s Hospital at the AMC theater.

ROCK AND ROAR was the title of this year’s Lincoln Park Zoo Ball, and although it was loud and rocking the bored lions slept through the festivities. More than 850 partied hearty with co-chairs Kim Theiss and Peggy White, with women’s board president Gale Gottlieb cheering them on. Supporters included: corporate chair ANNE PRAMAGGIORE, J.N. PRITZKER FOUNDATION, THE JOHN ALEXANDERS, THE BRUCE CROWNS, DAVID KNUEPFER, THE JOHN HARRISES, THE

BRENT GLEDHILLS, THE CHARLES HUEBNERS, ABBY ZANARINI, THE ROBERT ALLEGRINIS, THE CHET BAKERS, ED LESTER, ARI LEVY, BARRY MALKIN, THE MIKE MALONES, DEBBIE MARCHESE, THE JAY MAGES, SUSAN BULLEY, TERRI CABLE, THE TOM CAREYS, GLORIA CASTILLO, THE ART CLAMAGES, CHRIS AND SAIRA COOPER, ALDERMAN VI DALEY AND VINCE DALEY, AND LAURA DAVIS.

ZOO DIRECTOR KEVIN BELL told us “our women’s board worked magic to get such a perfect cool evening, and all these guests.” Other zoo fans included: THE FRANK DIJOHNS, THE MARTIN DORES, BILL ECKHARDT, THE MIKE ENGELHARDTS, ROBERT FEALY, STAN FIEDOR, JOHN FORNENGO, THE PETER GERACIS, KIMBERLY GLEESON, DR. STEVE STRYKER, MARY KAY TOUHY AND JEFF SILVERMAN, FORTUNEE AND CHUCK HANNON, THE BILL HOODS, THE KIP KELLEYS, TINA KOEGEL, JIMMY KORSHAK, GAY LEFFEL, THE DAVID MARTAYS, MARY O’TOOLE, THE RICHARD PARRILLOS, THE PAT RYANS, MARSHA SERLIN, THE HOWARD SIMSES, ARNOLD AND FRAN SWERDLOW, THE RICHARD TAMPASES, THE BRUCE TAYLORS, DAVID TRUITT, AND THE CHUCK HOAGS.

RAVING ABOUT THE BALL AT VERSAILLES, hosted by Catharine Hamilton’s American Friends of Versailles, were gala-goers Cynthia Olson and orchestra leader Stanley Paul. It was a fabulous benefit to restore the Magical Pavillon Frais. Their photo was taken in the exquisite Hall of Mirrors.

THE WORST APPETIZER we’ve encountered in years of eating at black-tie benefits was at a recent top-priced ticket gala. It was an ice cube size bit of watermelon atop a piece of shaved radish. My taste buds were not titillated or amused. Two olives on a toothpick would have been acceptable.

WORLD TRAVELER CHARLES HANNON celebrated his 75th birthday with 160 friends at the Lake Geneva Stone Manor home he shares with elegant wife Dr. Fortunee Massuda, beside their house on Lake Michigan. The commemorative program shared photos of Chuck, former head of the Adventurers Club, bungee jumping, on the Peru Amazon River, in China, in Sweden, at the summit of Mount Kilimanjaro, on the Zambezi River in Africa, and in a Sahara Desert expedition. He’s been around the world so the food at the celebration was of Mexican, Polish, Italian, Chinese, Middle Eastern and American cuisine. Hannon was dropped into his party via a helicopter, and for entertainment there was a bagpiper, a lion dance, Mariachi band, Brazilian music, Argentina tangos, a belly dancer, Cuban music, and Italian songs by Jorge Prego. Guests called it the blast of the century.

AN “ORIGINAL” and the first woman in Chicago to own her own public relations agency, Marj Abrams has died at 85. Her big horned rimmed glasses were a trademark for this trail-blazing business leader.

FASHIONISTAS ATTENTION! There will be a must-see trunk showing at Bottega Contessa, 1 E. Delaware, from 10 a.m. to 6:30 p.m. Monday through Saturday and from 2 to 6 p.m. Sunday starring the collection of Catherine Malandrino. She creates clothes that flatter, and her fall garments offer urban chic silhouettes in luxe knits, distressed leathers, draped textures, unrefined skins — all that’s new and hot in women’s wear. Colors are indigo, greys, brown, deep prune, rust-orange and emerald green. Contessa Helena spent weeks scouring the European and American markets for clothes for the modern woman who is spirited and confident. Informal modeling, hors d’oeuvres and cocktails will be offered July 22 through July 25. Here we picture one jacket, turtleneck top and skinny pants with leather zipper detail (bottom right).

LOST STAR TERRY O’QUINN headlines a film fundraising event at Park West on July 31 for Using. This indie flick, written by Terry’s brother Tom, is about a father fighting to save his daughter from self-destruction. Tom and Kymberly Harris will star.

CHICAGO GATEWAY GREEN and Horseshoe Casino will present a Gaming for Green, Texas Hold ’em tournament Aug 5 at Galleria Marchetti. For more information, visit www.chicagohorseshoe.com.

KIDS WITH BRAIN TUMORS get help from the July 29 Run for Gus 5K Run/Walk at Diversey Harbor, sponsored by the Children’s Memorial Hospital’s Young Associates.

WHO IS THE SASSY, SWEET brunette legal assistant who has been collecting engagement rings as if they were those crazy rubber bands so in vogue? So far she’s had five proposals and gave back two rings.

“LIFE IS WHAT HAPPENS when you are not watching television.” — Jason Love

Send in news and photos via 847-677-2232 or annbgerber@gmail.com.

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By Joe from Lincoln Park
Posted: 07/28/2010 10:00 AM

So you actually approve of and encourage vandalism? You are indeed a bitter troll of a woman.