ONE TO GO, WITH MUSTARD, FREE SPEECH and a happy ending with no indigestion or heartburn!

FELONY FRANKS, a Chicago hot dog stand known as the “home of the misdemeanor wiener” (and no relation to disgraced mega-wiener Anthony Weiner), has won a 2½-year battle for the right to have a sign that brags about its name.

SHORT-SIGHTED, MEAN-SPIRITED Ald. Bob Fioretti (2nd), instead of welcoming a business that gives ex-cons a second chance, had blocked the sign alleging that the name sent a bad message to area students. In truth, it sends the message that rehabilitation can change lives for the better when felons get jobs and a chance to start a new life.

JIM ANDREWS, WHO HIRES FELONS and should be applauded for his actions, claimed correctly that it was his right to call his business what he wanted and that he had been illegally opposed by Fioretti and three other aldermen. He filed a First Amendment lawsuit in federal court to force the city to grant him a sign permit for Felony Franks, 229 S. Western Ave. In the end, the court didn’t have to force the city to do anything — the lawyers struck a deal and aldermen quietly passed the sign through city council.

STILL PENDING IS JIM’S LAWSUIT DEMANDING $293,000 in damages for business lost during the 2½-year sign fight.

WE ARE ALL IN A MOST DIFFICULT JOB MARKET, and some may argue that returning servicemen should get the first jobs available, and they have a point. But ex-offenders face a tough world — they’ve paid their debt to society and deserve to earn a paycheck, too. Felony Franks is a nourishing eatery for customers and workers.

GIVING A GUY A BREAK is the American way and helping an ex-con can be a sound business decision. We citizens spend billions to incarcerate prisoners but we woefully lack post-prison programs. Felony Franks is a bite in the right wiener.

WHO IS THE SUPER-RICH WIFE who keeps hubby three on a verrry tight financial lash? He gets an allowance suitable for a high schooler and is always embarrassed when out with his buddies and the check comes. He hocked his Rolex to buy his mom a gift on Mothers Day.

IT WAS A SAD FATHERS DAY for a former high-flying sports star, left alone thanks to his ex-wife taking their kids to New York City for shopping and fun while he recuperated from surgery.

CHRIS KENNEDY STEPS DOWN from presidential duties at the Merchandise Mart and leaves us wondering if he’s thinking of a political future. His reputation is enviable as he has been a stalwart supporter of worthy civic endeavors and has many, many supporters. Nice guys don’t come in last.

HOTTEST TICKET IS TO THE ZOO BALL July 8 with a Hollywood & Vines theme with showgirls, movie moguls and cinema royalty on the red carpet. Ball co-chairs are Susan Erler, Rosemary Jones and Kirsten Rider who will welcome a cast of hundreds to Lincoln Park Zoo grounds.

FRENCH FINANCE MINISTER CHRISTINE LEGARDE, who headed up the prestigious law firm of Baker & McKenzie, has been named to replace disgraced Dominique Strauss-Kahn as head of the International Monetary Fund. She was last in Chicago when she presented the French Legion of Honor medal to Renee Johnson, head of the Sister Cities program here and in Paris. Rene, a dedicated volunteer, orchestrated many innovative programs that are the benchmark for international cooperation and understanding.

PERSONAL INJURY LAWYER Robert Clifford is the new 135th president of the Chicago Bar Association. Outgoing leader is Terri Mascherin. Clifford concentrates on cases in aviation, transportation, personal injury and medical negligence. A DePaul U. College of Law grad, Clifford is on the board of directors of WTTW. First vice president is Aurora Abella-Austriaco, second vice president is J. Timothy Eaton, secretary is Patricia Holmes and treasurer is Daniel Cotter.

MEGA-WATT STARS LIKE OPRAH, plus lesser lights like Playboy personality Kendra Wilkinson, Octomom Nadya Suleman, and no-talent bimbo Paris Hilton got attention at the Cable Show private trade expo at McCormick Place. E! program luminary Kendra signed autographs as did Nadya and Paris at the Oxygen booth. Oprah, natch, got the most attention when Paula Zahn interviewed her. Winfrey has been candid about her disappointment that her new cable shows on her OWN network haven’t been blockbusters. She vowed to take more time, and pains to solidify her programs.

THIN YOUNGER WOMEN, AGES 19 TO 34, are turning to plastic surgery to remove fat, leaving diets and exercise as last resorts. They are responsible for 30 percent of operations.

BOXING KINGPIN DON KING’S Palm Beach estate is on the market for $15 million.

ELIZABETH TAYLOR’S 33 CARAT KRUPP DIAMOND is going up for auction and could bring $20 million, say jewelry experts.

AUTHOR BARBARA LEWIS has been busy signing copies of her book, The Jewels of Sutton Avenue, where sisters Pearl, Diamond, Topaz and Ruby Morgan, orphaned, fight for their home and their lifestyle, through betrayal and lost loves.

TALENTED BILLY RAFFERTY has moved his popular Doggy Dooz salon for pampered pups to 2950 N. Lincoln Ave. When a “for rent” sign was posted in the window of his Belmont location, clients kept asking if Billy was moving to California with Oprah. He makes her dog look fab, dahling, every Wednesday we hear.

THERE IS HOPE FOR BATTERED Irish student Natasha McShane, insists psychotherapist Leon Hoffman, bringing us up-to-date about the victim of a baseball bat robbery in Bucktown. McShane was assaulted last april and left tragically injured, hardly able to speak or move. Also there is post-traumatic stress for her and those close to her who are now living near Belfast in Northern Ireland. But there is no reason for anyone to settle for a life of anguish and despair, asserts Hoffman. Expert psychotherapy can reduce the pain of any life trauma and offer hope.

WHO IS THE TERMINALLY RICH MATRON, widow of a beloved Chicago celeb, who is the mother-in-law from hell? She makes her two sons dine with her, minus their wives, several times a week. She orchestrates their lives, planning vacations, schools for the kids, etc. She controls a fortune so she rules.

AFTER 37 YEARS TOGETHER, Jamie Valdivia and Mario Pulido were married in a dream ceremony they both had feared would never be realized. Jamie is a popular hair stylist at Elizabeth Adam salon in Water Tower and all his clients were thrilled that his hopes came true after so many years. Today they are a couple and lifetime partners thanks to a civil union. They were toasted by their friends and called the day a loving milestone in their lives together.

SERVICE CLUB’S A DAY ON THE TERRACE is Aug. 1 at the Peninsula with fashions by Escada, Intermix, Luca Luca, Neiman Marcus, Paul Stewart, Lulu’s at the Belle Kay, Saks and Starr Couture. Featured designer for 20ll is Jacqueline Kim. Chairs are Jean Antoniou and Tracey DiBuono. Sherrill Bodine is president.

CORBOY & DEMETRIO has welcomed its newest partner, Daniel Kirschner.

DAHLINGS, DID YOU GET YOUR INVITE to the wedding July 2 of Monaco’s Prince Albert and his South African swimming champ bride, Charlene Wittstock? … WE ARE RUNNING OUT OF PRINCES, but there’s always Harry the Brit. Anyway, Albert invited all the 4,000 residents of his kingdom to attend the nuptials. Nice touch for the commoners.

“WHEN I WAS VERY YOUNG, I kissed my first woman and smoked my first cigarette on the same day. Believe me, never since have I wasted any more time on tobacco.” —ARTURO TOSCANINI

CONTACT: annbgerber@gmail.com or 847-677-2232