CANDIDATE FOR WORST DRIVER OF THE YEAR is the woman who was driving from Miami to Key West and crashed into a pick-up truck at 45 miles an hour because she lost control while shaving her bikini area.

“I WAS GOING ON A DATE AND WANTED TO BE READY,” Megan Mariah Barnes allegedly told the Florida Highway Patrol, who found that she had been convicted of a DUI the day before and her driver’s license had been suspended.

HER EX-HUSBAND WAS IN THE PASSENGER SEAT and Barnes had allegedly asked him to steer while she did her personal grooming ritual. Alas, he couldn’t prevent the crash.

WHILE WE LAMENT TEENAGERS, and others, texting, tweeting, cell phoning while behind the wheel, this Florida femme has set a benchmark in dangerous, stupid antics. Motorists who apply makeup, shave, eat, drink and have sex (yes, accidents have been recorded where two persons in the front seat have caused crashes due to sexual activity) have amazed law enforcement officials.

HOW STUPID CAN YOU GET while driving cars that can kill and maim — their drivers, as well as passengers and innocent bystanders?

ENHANCING YOUR PRIVATE PARTS for a date, at great risk to life and limb, with your ex-mate in the auto to help you, sets a new low in looking for love in all the wrong places.

WHO IS THE TROPHY WIFE FROM HELL who is having an affair with her step-daughter’s husband?

WHO IS THE GAMBLING MOTHER WHO WAS BURIED with a royal straight flush? Her two sons placed a deck of cards in her coffin and an Ace, King, Queen, Jack and 10 of Spades in her hands. She was a Vegas fan.

CONRAD BLACK’S $23.1 MILLION Palm Beach mansion has been purchased by Lloyd and Susan Miller, of an investment family based in Barrington, Naples, Fla., and California. Black, the disgraced former owner Sun-Times, used the property to get $2 million in bail money — and he will be resentenced soon. The Millers have three kids to enjoy the South Ocean Boulevard home with five bedrooms, six baths and ocean frontage.

SECOND CITY VETERAN HOLLY WORTELL had a guest starring role on “Big Time Rush” on Nickelodeon May 7. She played a mother of a boys’ band member and it was a hoot.

AUTHOR AND PLAYWRIGHT BRUCE SMITH has the distinction of being the only PR person to represent a saint. Cardinal Bernardin introduced him to Pope John Paul II during his 1979 visit here and Bruce got a contract to handle all his Vatican recordings released in the United States. Later this year, Smith moves to a home in his dad’s homeland, Scotland, remodeled from sketches by Bertram Goldberg created after Bruce’s book, Costly Performances, a memoir of Tennessee Williams debuted. Smith’s historical play, “Papal Gore,” about the life of Robert the Bruce in 1320, will soon hit the stage.

ADD US THE CHICAGOANS grateful to Mayor Daley for all his good work BUT STILL MIFFED THAT MEIGS FIELD IS NO MORE. We wish Da Mayor a happy, rewarding future with Maggie at his side.

LAUGHS FOR $10! That’s the great deal at JBar at the James Hotel where comics Michael Isaac and Mel Novit will perform May 19 at 8:30 p.m. with four other talents.

THE MAJESTIC MUSEUM OF PRIVATE COLLECTIONS at 435 E. Illinois St., debuted with artist Matt Lamb taking bows as well as showing paintings by Dali and other artists. The spacious galleries were impressive and checking out the offerings were Billy Marovitz and Christie Hefner (home from a cruise on the Amazon), John Regas, Scott Bobeck, Fran Johnson, Jolanta Ruege, Stuart Feinberg, Cookie Cohen, Peggy Jester, Irina Kaiser, Mrs. Chuck Hannon, Arny Granat, Irene Michaels, Quinton De Alexander and Jerry Berliant.

THE STUNNING 106-FOOT YACHT SUSANNA BELLA, owned by Fred and Susan Gohl, of Chicago and Naples, Fla., has raised more than a million for charities. The philanthropic Gohls offer the luxurious boat at auctions since they christened it in 2003. It is an amazingly handsome three-bedroom treasure with an interior created by well known and talented designer John Regas, who is also responsible for their beautiful homes in Chicago and Florida. The Gohls’ sharing the boat helps nonprofits keep afloat. It boasts a hot tub, barbecue and bar on the upper deck. The top price paid for a week on the yacht was $250,000. An American Cancer dinner cruise went for $8,000.

THE QUEEN OF FRENCH CINEMA, the gorgeous Catherine Deneuve is on screens in a new film Potiche, and she plays a trophy wife in this comedy. It concerns Deneuve, playing the wife of a philandering umbrella factory manager, who is taken hostage in a workers’ strike. Gerard Depardieu plays her former lover. Catherine is now 67, but when she was in her 30s she spent a month living with lover Marcello Mastroianni in an apartment at State Parkway and Goethe Street. We met in what was then a small green grocery nearby. With her hair dyed a garish red, she was shopping for the makings of dinner for Marcello and we chatted about men, love and grilled fish. Years later Catherine came to town when Marshall Field’s opened a store in Lake Forest. Then, and now, she is an exquisite, ageless beauty.

FILM EXPERT ROGER EBERT will be honored June 9 at Access Living’s Navy Pier benefit.

PRINCESS YASMIN AGA KHAN received a copy of Steve Starr’s book Starrlight at the recent Alzheimer’s Association benefit. The book features her mother, the silver screen star Rita Hayworth. Starr’s book and a photo session were auction items at the gala.

EX-BEAR JERRY AZUMAH and The Score’s Dan Bernstein will spark the Campfire Ball for Children’s Oncology Services May 21 at Venue One.

“REMEMBER ME” is the title of local author Sanela Ramic Jurich’s book about growing up in Bosnia. It tells of love, death, horrendous situations, brutality and faith.

WHO IS THE LOVELY LADY who hosted an elegant tea and invited a cross-section of VIP women, young and older, for an afternoon of fellowship? She’s the fortunate resident in the John Philip Ansehl designed apartment that had everyone impressed and awed. And her collection of teacups caused some guests to consider stealing the treasures.

GETTING RAVES IN NEW YORK CITY is “Born Yesterday,” with actress Nina Arianda portraying heroine Billie Dawn a touchingly sweet and not-so-stupid comedienne. Jim Belushi has pleased critics as well in his role of the wealthy boor who wants Billie to smarten up. She does, and he lives to regret it. We remember Judy Holliday in this play and in the 1950 movie, and the chorus girl’s rebirth is still fresh and touching.

DYNAMITE BLOND ELIZABETH BERKLEY, best known for her nudie movie Showgirls, and as Julie Winston on “CSI Miami” has a new Putnam book Ask Elizabeth: Real Answers to Everything You Secretly Wanted To Ask About Love, Friends, Your Body… and Life in General. She’s hoping adolescent girls will buy it and learn from her experiences. It is a non-profit dream of hers, trying to simplify life for young girls and teaching them to cope with loss of friends, emotions, self-worth and sex subjects not discussed in schools or their homes. How to handle pain, seeing what’s in the mirror and having goals are other topics she examines. No dumb blonde, Elizabeth has a 10-city book tour and a down-to-earth plan.

OUR CONDOLENCES to JoAnna Gamble of Neiman Marcus’ precious jewels salon, who lost her mother and a cousin, much too soon.

CANCER SURVIVOR and great cook Juell Kadet has produced the handy The Promise of Hope Cookbook, with her easy and yummy recipes for comfort foods like meat loaf, chicken artichoke casserole, veal cutlets, barbecue ribs, etc. The book, with 100 percent of proceeds going to the Cancer Care Clinical Trials, has the secret to the coveted Fritzel’s Salad Dressing:

Besides her kitchen expertise, Juell has a fine singing voice and uses it in commercials for Holland Jewelers, the family business. For more information on the cookbook, call her at 708-679-7518.

HOLLIS RESNICK IS MARGO in Season of Concern’s “All About Eve” benefit May 23 at the Mayne Stage. The proceeds go toward helping ill artists.

“REPLACING THE ADDICTION: IN SEARCH OF FOREVER,” is a new book by D. Gatheright, who tamed his problems with religion. He shares his personal battle.

PARTY ANIMALS take over Lincoln Park Zoo May 21 from 8 p.m. to midnight for Zoo-ologie and until 5 a.m. at the Underground. Co-chair Annessa Staab says tickets are $125 for this Zoo auxiliary board funfest.

HONORING OUTSTANDING WOMEN, Common Ground had a benefit that cited, among others, Keke Palmer and Sherri Shepherd.

BIG BAD BERNIE MADOFF may be the inspiration for a movie out this fall about a Ponzi scheme monster played by Alan Alda. It is concerns workers who gave their pension money to a bogus investment plan and conspire to get it back from the crook who stole it. It’s a revenge-is-sweet comedy called Tower Heist.

EXERCISE WORKED BEFORE OUR EYES as we watched over-abundant Kirstie Alley lose lots of pork as she gyrated and swiveled on “Dancing With the Stars.” She should pay them to let her work out and shed the pounds. Dance videos for weight and inch loss must benefit from Kirstie’s example on TV as the world watched.

“THERE ARE SO MANY GIRLS, AND SO FEW PRINCES.” — LIZA MINNELLI

CONTACT: annbgerber@gmail.com or 847-677-2232