IT HAD TO HAPPEN.

THOSE BIG FAKE BOOBS THAT HAD MERE MALES slobbering, and stupid, insecure women demanding double Ds to compete in Boob Wars, have self-destructed.

HOLLYWOOD, WHERE ALL FANCIFUL FAKES FIND APPROVAL, has reversed its desires — big boobs are out.

IN A CASTING NOTICE FOR THE FOURTH Pirates of the Caribbean, extras were told that actresses must have real breasts — no implants need apply. Casting agents agree that the picture has changed in movies, as far as biiiig breasts are concerned. Oversized mammaries diminish the stature of an actress — placing her on a lower showbiz level.

NATURAL BODIES, WITHOUT THE TITILLATION of big, bad bosoms, are now in vogue. Sharon Osbourne is having her big boobs reduced in July, and Jenny McCarthy, who couldn’t get a ring from Jim Carey with or without phony breasts, had her implants taken out.

FASHION IS FICKLE and big boobs are out of fashion. Good riddance!

HEIDI MONTAG, STAR OF THE HILLS, put a curse on implant madness when she endured l0 cosmetic procedures in one day in her vain quest for beauty and starshine. Her face is lovely, but her body is top heavy and ridiculous, sorry guys.

WE ADORE EARTHY PAM ANDERSON, but she looked out of proportion as she Danced With the Stars. Who can forget her immortal words to me at a Marshall Field’s Glamorama benefit a few years ago? When we asked how she kept a slim figure, she moaned that she was starving and would kill for a burger! If her boobs were smaller she’d need less sustenance to balance her act.

ARE COSMETIC SURGEONS UPSET THAT THEIR BOOB BUSINESS is fading? No. One told me that implants will still be desirable, but smaller will be better, easier to handle, via the operation, and with a more realistic look. That’s how it should have been from day one. Kate Hudson has had small implants so her sudden increase isn’t obvious and laughable.

THE AMERICAN SOCIETY FOR AESTHETIC PLASTIC SURGERY reported a 13 percent drop in breast augmentations in 2009, but the desire for physical perfection is strong. There will always be candidates for breast enhancement, but common sense, and a more realistic view of boob beauty, may keep them in a smaller range. Mother Nature’s bounty is not given out fairly. Years ago, what she has forgotten, we stuffed with cotton. But today no one has to settle for less than they desire.

WE ADMIT MOST MEN LOVE BIG BOOBS. Is it latent remembrances of beloved mama’s breast feeding? Is it that a big-breasted woman satisfies ego showing the world a man’s mate is “top of the line”?

BEAUTIFUL BOOBS ARE HERE TO STAY, AMEN. Too much of a good thing has made some ugly.

CORRECTION: THAT IRANIAN CLERIC who said showing women’s bosoms increases earthquakes, meant to say they cause minor erections, not major eruptions.

WHO IS THE HIGH-PROFILE EXECUTIVE shot down many years ago for having affairs with his underlings? His wife divorced him, kids hated him, and it took him eons to get his semblance of a life back. Sorry to report he’s fallen for a bimbo whose big mouth means his current wife will soon learn about their assignations and the condo and the Mercedes he’s given her. (Mistresses who brag to their gal pals are stupid.)

MAYOR RICHARD DALEY AND MAGGIE greeted the more than 100 city leaders from all over the world who flew in (respite from volcanic ash) to attend the 2010 Daley Global Forum named for the first Mayor Daley. In a wheelchair, gracious Mrs. Daley smiled and welcomed guests, including local VIPs. The topic was New Partnerships for a New Economy, and speakers were Paris mayor Bertrand Delanoë and our Richie. Held at the Field Museum, it was a part of the United Cities and Local Governments annual meeting. Bill Kurtis was emcee, and fortunate attendees were fed Midwestern grass-fed beef tenderloin. From Kurtis’ ranch, we presume. Ten mayors were from Africa, 26 from Europe, 12 from Latin America and nine from Asia-Pacific. Our city looked super, thanks to Daley’s beautification programs.

HELPING HAITI’S ORPHANS has Sue and Tom Carey rallying support for Gina Duncan, director of the Crèche L’Enfant Jesus Orphanage there. Sue flew there recently and reported back to all her philanthropic friends. And the Careys held a benefit at their home.

TIRED OF OUR MAGNIFICENT CITY? Want a break in the country? The 17th Heartland Alliance Home & Garden tour in significant homes and breathtaking gardens of Harbor Country in Michigan awaits you June 12. Tickets are $100 for the chance to visit eight homes, from country cottages to grand estates, all with rural beauty. It all begins at 10 a.m. and culminates in a reception and silent auction at Burnison Galleries in Lakeside, Mich. from 4 to 6 p.m. Co-chairs are Suellen Long, Cary Frank and Martin Gapshis. Proceeds support Heartland’s housing, health care, etc., for 200,000 people annually. … (One of the attractions on this tour is the heavenly barn of Chef Joho and wife Cynthia. You know them from Everest and Brasserie JO.) For more information, call 312-660-1339 or visit homeandgardentour.com.

NAVY PIER WILL ROCK June 12 when Friends of Prentice Palooza throw a black-tie with Lynne Jordan and the Shivers performing for 800. Planners include Chris Newton, Pat Henderson, Joana Kirk and Stan Pillman. Call 312-926-7133 for more details.

BEWARE COCOA MULCH. IT CAN KILL your dog or cat as it has a lethal ingredient, theobromine, that smells like chocolate and attracts pets.

STOP STILETTO SHOE WORSHIP! Guilty shoemaker Christian Louboutin, of the pricey, stunning, hardly wearable creations (some with 10 inch heels), told Vanity Fair that author Danielle Steel is his best customer. “She has at least 6,000 pairs,” he bragged. Gimme a break! With that many shoes Danielle wouldn’t even know them, even with a catalogue. Louboutin insisted that 3,000 women have 500 pairs of his tootsie-huggers. Who are these shoe closet divas? Moroccan princesses, wives of multimillionaires, Middle Eastern rich, rich women, who appreciate his “powerful, beautiful shoes.” Global economies may falter, but fashionistas hell-bent on being well shod will always find a way to get their beloved shoes. Our Abra has at least 500 pairs, we recall, and there must be zillions in all those Lake Shore Drive co-ops and condos.

THOSE BORN UNDER THE SIGN OF TAURUS, APRIL 20 TO MAY 20, are ruled by the planet of love, Venus, and are steady and resilient, loyal and stable. So says astrologer Laurie Brady who insists Taurus rules the throat, and more singers are born under this sign than any other. Barbra Streisand, Bing Crosby, Patti Lupone, Billy Joel, Eddy Arnold, Lena Horne, Elvis Presley and our own Jimmy Damon are Taurus talents.

WITH THE RIGHT PARTNER, says Brady, Taurus folks can be great lovers. Others marking birthdays are: Renee Zellweger, Carol Burnett, Hank Azaria, Al Pacino, Les Coney, Penelope Cruz, Jessica Alba, Jay Leno, Jerry Seinfeld, Emily Barr, Chet Coppock, Tim McGraw, David Beckham, Carmen Electra, Queen Elizabeth II, Larry Potash, Jack Nicholson, Glen Campbell, Sue Carey, Channing Tatum, Dev Patel, Christine Baranski, George Clooney, Tony Blair, Frankie Valli, Enrique Iglesias, Brian Williams, Neil Hartigan and Art Berman.

CONGRATS TO Marija Gavrilovic of The Howard Kaplan Partners LLP, who passed the Illinois CPA exam.

MAITRE D’ ARTURO PETTERINO lived a glamorous life at the Pump Room, Chez Paree, the Copacabana in New York City and the Fontainebleau in Miami Beach until he retired after seating a half-million people, he once estimated. Rich Melman named his Dearborn street loop theater district Petterino’s in his honor and he radiated in its glow for a few years. His last five years were as bleak as his earlier years had been golden. Living in a nursing home, with few visitors, with no champagne nights, was a drab reality for a man who had known the rich and famous and had rarely been dressed in anything other than a tuxedo. Man-about-town Jerry Berliant kept in touch and tried to cheer up lonely Arturo and had been planning a 90th birthday party for him May 12. … Petterino has died at 89 from complications of a stroke.

“BARACK OBAMA IS TOO SMART TO HAVE AN AFFAIR” and “Michelle would never let it happen” were reactions from the Ladies Who Lunch discussing the National Enquirer’s rehashing a 2004 rumor about stunning campaign volunteer Vera Baker and our president. Tacky tabloids must have been having a slow dirt day to resurrect moldy gossip. No, you cannot believe everything you read.

GORGEOUS, GLAM LISA GENGLER, whom we all respect for her artistic abilities as a painter and sculptor, has another talent. The blond philanthropist is also a dynamite chanteuse. Lisa performed in charity shows to benefit cancer research in Naples, Fla., where she and husband Duane have a winter sanctuary, and she won first prizes for singing “Falling in Love Again,” as throaty, sexy Marlene Dietrich. Back in town, Lisa got offers to perform professionally but she has declined.

A SMASHING SUCCESS was the Rehabilitation Institute Women’s Board’s preview party for the Antiques Fair at the Merchandise Mart. Hundreds attended including Peggy and Phil Corboy Jr., Stacy Lyman, Teddy Foufas, Jean Perkins, Leland Hutchinson, Michael Smith, Cynthia Ballew, Kevin and Kristi Brown, Clare Colnon, Barbara Steinhauser, Kathy Fox and Ray Drymalski, William Wardrop, Dr. Joanne Smith, Keith Goldstein, Robin Berger, Caryn Harris, Maria and Shepherd Smith, Debby Schubert, Melissa Thodos, Ron and Julie Allen, Jan Parr, John Brennan, Jennifer Woolford, and Kathy Whiting.

WE WELCOME NEW MUSEUM OF CONTEMPORARY ART CHIEF CURATOR Michael Darling, who will occupy the James Alsdorf chair. He comes from the Seattle Art Museum.

DO YOU REMEMBER THE BEAUTIFUL FACE of model Diane Chess, married to Chess Records founder Leonard’s son Marshall? She was a memorable woman who had many friends here. A Chicago Tribune story about a new biopic, Who Do You Love, tells the story of the birth of Chess Records in 1950 on Chicago’s south side. Marshall went on to found the Rolling Stones’ own record logo. According to writer Nina Metz, Marshall isn’t happy with the film and disputes how his father and uncle Phil are portrayed. Marshall and Diane divorced many years ago. Photographer Victor Skrebneski helped Diane’s career when she lived here.

WE HEAR THE RALPH LAUREN STORE opened on the Boulevard Saint Germain in Paris is magnifique, and he’s pleased to be playing An American in Paris.

WHO DOESN’T LOVE WEDDINGS? How Chicago ties the knot is revealed in the exquisite I Do!: Chicago Ties the Knot, an exhibit of 45 ensembles dating back to the city’s founding, opening May 22 at the Chicago History Museum. Sponsored by the Costume Council of the Historical Society, the preview luncheon May 21 will hear curator Tim Long share insights on wedding traditions. It’s a $225 ticket.

ONE OF THE ATTRACTIVE COUPLES at the Boogie Ball for Northwestern Memorial woman’s board was Christina and Jim Marzullo. Others dancing to the B-52’s beat were: the Bryan Cresseys, Neelie Fritz, Jennifer Dunn, Maria Kernahan, the John Fiores, the Keith Kizziahs, the Patrick Mathewses, the Bill Hunters, the Peter Shermans, and the David Berminghams.

IN YOUR FUTURE … ALLY BULLY AND NEAL ZUCKER host a Museum of Science and Industry reception May 19 debuting Civic Leaders for Science new attractions and transformation … THE BEST OF SERENDIPITY with talented seniors will be onstage at Millennium Park on May 19, 20 and Sept. 7. … CHICAGO LIGHTHOUSE BENEFIT DINNER is May 20 at the Four Seasons. … JUVENILE PROTECTION ASSOCIATION SUPPORTERS DINE AND DANCE ON MAY 21 at the Four Seasons with co-chairs Mary Anne Bobrinskoy, Joan Rose and Jurdis Walton. ... SINGER HEATHER HEADLEY stars at the May 22 Goodman Theatre gala at the Fairmont. Cynthia Levin is chair.

LAWRENCE PUCCI HAS LEFT US, but his 14th Wedgwood Society ceremony and dedication of the Gen. Logan Monument continues at 11 a.m. May 31 with a luncheon at the Blackstone following. Co-sponsor is the Chicago Cultural Mile Association. Emcees will be Caryl Pucci Rettaliata and Major Gen. John Borling.

“THE ONLY REASON TO HAVE MONEY is to tell any sonovabitch in the world to go to hell.” — Humphrey Bogart

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