YOU CAN’T LEGISLATE LOVE, but with divorce rates soaring some are pushing for mandatory pre-marital counseling. We take training and a test before we get a driver’s license and get behind the wheel, so why not prepare for that most serious step: a walk down the aisle … to heaven or hell?

LOVE-SICK SINGLES are not rational or sane once they are seduced by Cupid’s gifts of lust and love. A few counseling sessions won’t change minds but could educate and help prepare for future problems with finances, in-laws, housekeeping, religion, the remote, having kids, etc.

LIVE-IN-LOVERS COULD BENEFIT, too, but since they are usually avoiding marriage they probably don’t want to face an opportunity to discuss fights over rent, food, the toilet seat, her friends, his dog, etc.

MARRIAGE-FOR-DUMMIES classes before a union might be a tiny step forward to help families stay intact and alleviate the widespread societal problem of broken homes, which leads to higher rates of juvenile delinquency, drug use and suicide.

FACE IT LOVERS — Life is not fair and hard knocks are in your future. Better to have some advice and insight before you face the reality of sharing your dreams. Marriage can be a cruel awakening. Yes, a pre-nuptial agreement is a good idea. So is pre-wedding counseling.

A DIVORCE FAIR, in Paris, France, attracted thousands with law firms, plastic surgeons, self-esteem coaches, dating counselors and seduction experts, in attempt for a “New Start.” Better a Pre-Wedding Counseling Fair.

NO CLASSES WILL STOP adultery, abuse or the John Edwards and Tiger Woods type of behavior. Loveless marriages often result after many years of an unhappy life together. Cupid can betray as well as bless a union. There ain’t no guarantees in love and war.

WHO IS THE WASPY, veddy, veddy proper wealthy matron who has learned her family fortune came from making the engine of a $2,000 sex machine sold all over the world?

THIS WILL BE A BIG YEAR for author/lawyer Scott Turow. He has a new thriller, Innocent, out in May to join his other best-sellers. Even more exciting is Fox TV accepting a pilot based on Turow’s 1993 Pleading Guilty, about an ex-cop-turned-lawyer in a high-powered law firm. (Our Billy Zane has been dynamite in The Deep End as the head of a benevolent legal team.)

ANNA NICOLE SMITH’S adorable daughter Dannielynn, Howard K. Stern and Larry Birkhead may never see a penny of the $300 million Anna was seeking from the estate of Texas husband/billionaire J.H. Marshall. A federal appeals court has ruled against her claim.

COMIC/DIRECTOR, SCREENWRITER Woody Allen is a quiet, laid-back genius, Fran Johnson and Alla Kournikova discovered at a recent New York party. Alla is the mother of tennis champ Anna Kournikova.

MODEL CORY will soon be an Italian Count! A friend is deeding him his title. Who knew sexy Cory would be regal as well?

THE LATE, GREAT Jovan Trboyevic praised the breakfasts he enjoyed at Ina’s haven of home cooking on West Randolph St. Ina Pinkney wrote about her luncheons at Jovan’s Le Perroquet (we loved it, too) in her newsletter. Jovan, and Ina, brought us comfort foods and fine dining. We are grateful.

MO’NIQUE’S HAIRY LEGS got unexpected attention after her Academy Awards interview in which she said her husband liked them and she had stopped trying to de-fuzz them. She insisted her mate’s cheating on her “wasn’t a deal breaker.” It shows she is one secure, mature wife. But few agree with her “open marriage” view.

POPULAR HAIRSTYLIST Spyros Petros is now at the new Joseph Michael’s Salon and Spa at 1313 N. Ritchie Court.

STILL GETTING RAVES for her show at the Palette & Chisel Academy of Fine Arts is artist Dorian Allworthy, who studied with her father, Joseph, until his death in 1991. Her subjects are slam poets, street performers, best friends and flowers. Among those who attended her show were: Marilyn Miglin, the Stanley Johnsons, Paul Episcope, Chris Hehmeyer, Suzanne McCullagh, Rowena Kelly, Betty Zeni, the Bill Morrisons, Steve Wine and Tom Boyd.

IN YOUR FUTURE ... Watch Vogue editor Anna Wintour pull together “The September Issue” on April 14 at the swank Racquet Club in a cocktail event for the Costume Council of the Chicago Historical Society.

OGLE ANTIQUES will be at the Chicago Botanic Antiques & Garden Fair preview night April 15 with a lecture by Alessandra Branca on April 16. ... THE UNIVERSITY OF CHICAGO CANCER RESEARCH FOUNDATION Women’s Board hosts a preview party April 15 of the DreamHome at the Merchandise Mart — an elegant presentation by designers Summer Thornton, Tony Stavish, Gregga Jordan Smieszny, Jeannie Balsam, the Kohler Store, Simeone Deary, Neff, Monica Pedersen, and Schnechtig Landscapes.

THEATER CRITIC RICHARD CHRISTIANSEN will star at Victory Gardens’ annual Chicago Stories benefit April 16 with one-act plays by Candace Collins Jordan, Peter Sagal and Bernie Sahlins. ... THE FASHION SHOW AND JEWELRY SALE “Modern Vintage Chicago” is April 17 at Plumbers Hall at1340 W. Washington Blvd. ... WOW! It’s a 70th milestone for the Society for Contemporary Art of the Art Institute on April 17, and a super (but not black-tie) blast will be at the Ravenswood Billboard Factory, where emerging artists will sell their works.

GOING TO LONDON? Fifty outfits worn by Grace Kelly go on exhibition at the Victoria and Albert Museum on April 17, including the original Hèrmes Kelly bag named for the late actress/princess.

BOOGIE AND BATTLE LUNG CANCER. Which fabulous band will rock the Boogie Ball for Northwestern Memorial Hospital on April 17 at the House of Blues? Promised is sensational music by the B-52s, and chairmen Judy Kernahan and Jetta Bushonville.

EMBATTLED ROD BLAGOJEVICH just won’t give up playing your zany second cousin or the nice guy next door in a bid to get public approval before his day in court. On TV’s Celebrity Apprentice Rod appealingly approaches anyone who will listen to his “it’s all lies about me” stance. In New York bystanders mistook him for Donny Osmond, but he kept his cool. Rod is softening the hard, cold world around him one person at a time.

BEING FIRED BY DONALD TRUMP may bring sympathy for rotten Rod. His inability to use a computer will register with other Internet innocents, and being “fired” puts our ex-govenor in a situation that is familiar and painful for many viewers. The Donald appeared to really like Rod. Has Big Bad Trump got a heart after all?

SO MANY FEMMES are eager to meet affluent men (for fun, profit and hopefully marriage) that the pool of potential lovers is never-ending. Via the Internet many hook up for one-night stands. The gals seek more — true commitment — but many men, pretending they are not married, just take them out for a drink and a roll in the hay, if they are willing, wrote reader Valerie Chen in response to our recent column about married men and their affairs.

A BETTER FUTURE for Paty Velasquez is why Veronica Zepeda and Richard Driehaus support San Miguel School, which takes in 78 kids from families with economical disadvantages. Paty painted a picture for her mentor Veronica, who is determined to guide and nurture this dedicated pupil. The graduate program supports 200 in high school. San Miguel opened in 1995 in the Back of the Yards to serve Latino students.

CRITICS HAVE CALLED The Ghost Writer, Roman Polanski’s new movie, a paranoid thriller, but corny. Sex and the City bimbo Kim Cattrall plays the author’s mistress, and her performance was damned as “smirking.” But this blond “cougar” is busy looking for love after a break-up with younger Alan Wyse. Kim has lost 10 pounds and she’s on the prowl.

“IMMATURE LOVE SAYS: ‘I love you because I need you.’ Mature love says: ‘I need you because I love you.’ ” — Erich Fromm