ALL IS FAIR IN LOVE AND WAR, and we are dealing with male animals who want all the fruits of their jungle. “Me Jane, you Tarzan” is OK for breeding purposes, but today, with wealthy, pampered celebrities like John Edwards and Tiger Woods, we are seeing Tarzans with hungry eyes for sexual sampling on a major scale.

EDWARDS FINALLY settled for Rielle Hunter, but Tiger’s voracious appetite revealed his need for a buffet of beauties.

WERE EDWARDS AND TIGER fair game? Almost all of the bimbos who jumped in bed with them knew they were married.

HONOR AMONG SLUTS? Forget it! We asked eight single, attractive women if they would have romped between the sheets with a man they knew was married. The ones who said “yes,” all eight of them, downplayed their shark-like attraction to big names and big money with variations of “if he’s cheating, his marriage is already broken, and someone is going to get him. Why not me?”

ONE BLONDE WHO ADMITTED she was a rich man’s mistress for four years until he suffered a heart attack (safely at home with his wife), insisted they fell in love after an office romance, and the time and sex they shared was “golden.” Yes, he showered her with cash (never a check) and gifts and both relished their “love affair.”

“IF YOU MEET A MAN and he’s the nicest, smartest, most wonderful addition to your otherwise dull life, it matters not that he’s taken. Better half a loaf of quality bread a few times a week than boredom and frozen dinners,” confides one lonely divorcee. “And with a forbidden love in your life, you dress better, stay on your diet, have the thrill of exciting, unexpected times together, “ replied another. Married men are fair game.

WHO WAS THE TEARFUL BRIDE who told her father, before he walked her down the aisle, that her mother had been cheating on him with a family friend for the past five years? All hell broke loose after the ceremony and a nasty divorce followed.

HOLLYE JACOBS, WHITNEY LASKY AND SHAWN OWEN are sparking a chic shopping benefit from 10 a.m. to 4 p.m. April 6 at the Park Hyatt, with designer Lyn Devon for the Dream Foundation. It grants wishes for those facing life-threatening illnesses.

THIRTY-SIX HOURS OF NON-STOP CHANEL in Paris left fashionista Mary Kay Touhy feeling like Cinderella. “The cocktail party before the lavish runway show, the luncheon and then a tour of Coco Chanel’s apartment and a visit to the mother store on Rue Cambon were a mélange of exquisitely dressed women, fab jewels and superb fashion.” Mary Kay was with her husband, well-known trader Jeff Silverman. She reports the runway was amazing with snow igloos, models with Sandra Dee big hair, smoky eyes, boots, chunky jewelry, tweed and fur jackets, fur stoles, and backpack purses.

“THE FASHIONS WERE WEARABLE and not too prissy but also not too rock and roll or slutty. It was classic Chanel with a twist of Karl Lagerfeld,” says Mary Kay. “You could mix Chanel pieces with your jeans or skinny black pants. No anorexic models here. French women do not diet. They walk and eat one great meal a day and drink many bottles of water, plus wine.”

JENNIFER ANISTON, 41, has the tacky tabloids wild about her singledom. She’s a Brad Pitt reject minus a Prince Charming. So Jen is under paparazzi watch as long as she’s still breathing. Smart Jen has said, “I don’t like girls whining and complaining about a man! I never liked Sex and the City ... where women only feel empowered once they find the man. It is just not up my alley. I don’t believe in it. There is nothing you can control about love.”

MARRIED TO BRAD PITT for five years, Aniston has a view of relationships that men like. She thinks that expecting a love affair to last forever is setting hopes too high. “It’s too much pressure. ... It has to be the right one … that’s unattainable!” Her latest film is The Bounty Hunter with Gerard Butler, and there ain’t no sexual chemistry. We wish Jen a loving dude.

AMIABLE GOOF Jeff Garlin’s new book, My Footprint: Carrying the Weight of the World, is all about his 10-month exercise and diet strategy to make less of Jeff. He’s a Second City vet who makes Curb your Enthusiasm a TV plum. Garlin obviously is not a happy fat personality, and his efforts to slim down aren’t wildly successful, but we envy his resolve and his humor. Jeff plays a mischievous magician in Disney Channel’s Wizards of Waverly Place, guest-starring Shakira, in an April episode.

ON MAY 8 THE ALLIANCE FRANÇAISE will hold its gala chaired by Nancy and Glenn Traylor with guests from all over the world at the Hilton. Stanley Paul’s orchestra will play.

DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES’ sexy Teri Hatcher has revealed her doubts about her looks, her talent, and her deserving fame and fortune’s goodies in her book Burnt Toast. The title comes from this divorcee trying to learn she doesn’t have to eat burnt toast just because that’s what she’s used to. Marc Cherry, creator of Housewives, says her “combination of resilience and vulnerability give her a kooky charm.” Teri and Marc have bonded over this sense of self-doubt they share. They fear their success isn’t real and could disappear. (Teri’s mom grew up poor in Chicago.)

SILVER SCREEN STAR Rita Hayworth and daughter Princess Yasmin share a Life magazine cover that still draws admiring attention. Rita died of Alzheimer’s disease, and every year Yasmin comes to town to add glamour to the annual Chicago Rita Hayworth Gala. The Alzheimer Association’s fundraiser is May 8 at the Fairmont.

SAVING TEENS from AIDS and substance abuse is the goal of Child Cause, which is hosting a benefit April 16 at Griffin Lounge. Founder Stephanie Castagnier reports Paris Delane will entertain. Call 847-477-7546 for more information.

VALIANT JULIE DILLON, listed among volunteers for the Women’s Board of the American Cancer Society and a former president, succumbed to cancer earlier this year. Her impassioned pleas for support for research touched everyone at last year’s luncheon.

FANS OF DOC SEVERINSEN are thrilled the music man will be at Millennium Park on June 24. And Sting is coming to the Ravinia Festival.

“SPEND A DAY WITH ME on the movie set of Real Steel while we film in June in Michigan,” invited actor Hugh Jackman to longtime pals Al and Beryl Blitz. Of course they accepted. The Blitzes will mark their 63rd wedding anniversary on April 20.

FLOWERS MET FASHION on March 26 at the Garfield Park Conservatory runway show benefit. ... FACE THE FUTURE FOUNDATION held a Fair to Remember at the Four Seasons. ... Thodos Dance’s benefit highlight was a Bob Fosse Trilogy. ... WHAT IS RED OR WHITE? The colorful ball April 9 at Salvage One benefiting Steppenwolf’s Young Adults program.

LEGALIZING MARIJUANA is OK with more than 90 percent of people polled by Fox TV. Times are a-changing.

HONORING ELEANOR CLARKE on May 1 at the Horizon Hospice and Palliative Care benefit will be grateful folks marking her devotion helping kids with life-limiting illnesses. Bill Kurtis will be emcee. Call 312-492-3073 for more information.

PUT ON YOUR WALKING SHOES for the Arthritis Foundation Walk on May 22. Sign up at www.arthritis.org.

THE JUVENILE PROTECTION ASSOCIATION’S GALA is May 21 at the Four Seasons. It is always a smashing affair.

THOSE AWESOME CHICAGO RIVER CRUISES resume May 1 with the Chicago Architectural Foundation aboard Chicago’s First Lady. New is an evening sail at 5:30 p.m. Thursdays and Fridays.

“THE FIRST HALF of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second half by our children.” —Clarence Darrow