ONLY A BRILLIANT VOICE could tell us what women must have, and so we owe poet, author, playwright and woman of the world Maya Angelou a thank you.

MAYA IS A FONT OF WISDOM AT 82. HERE ARE HER CONCLUSIONS ON WHAT WOMEN MUST HAVE:

Something perfect to wear for the date of her dreams in one hour

A youth she is content to leave behind.

A past juicy enough that she’s looking forward to retelling it in her old age.

A set of screwdrivers

A drill and a black lace bra

A recipe for a meal that makes her guests feel honored

A feeling of control over her destiny

The ability to fall in love without losing herself

ANGELOU, WHO HAS WRITTEN 30 BOOKS, has a new one, Great Food, All Day Long: Cook Splendidly, Eat Smart. Her new theory, after losing 40 pounds, is “eat great food but not much of it.”

MAYA, sexually molested as a child by her mother’s boyfriend who was then killed by an uncle, was so traumatized by these events she didn’t speak for six years.

HER PAINFUL EARLY YEARS were the subject of her best-selling I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings. Maya also knows what a woman must have.

WHO IS THE GUILT-RIDDEN SOCIALITE who deeply regrets taking her cousin out for drinks and letting her drive home? The car was in a crash and her cousin may never walk again.

EXERCISE GURU JACK LALANNE, who died at 96, told us he hated to get up at 5:30 a.m. each day to work out, hated, hated it, “but I created my image and I must be true to it.”

CHARMING LAWYER JEROLD SOLOVY of Jenner & Block, who died last week, loved taking his office personnel and peers to lunch and they all adored this brilliant, personable man. We last saw him surrounded by laughing, happy friends savoring a lunch hour, marked by his joie de vivre.

SORRY, BEARS. BUT WE LOVE YOU JUST THE SAME.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, OPRAH. She celebrates Jan. 29 and gets her OWN network as a special gift.

OUR SHOE STYLING GENIUS BRIAN ATWOOD will make a personal appearance Feb. 3 from 6 to 8 p.m. at Intermix, 40 E. Delaware Place, at a benefit for The Service Club of Chicago.

CHICAGOANS AT THE SUNDANCE PARTY hosted by Denis Healy and Brenda Sexton in Park City, Utah, saw 150 guests eating Eli’s Cheesecake and other treats. Billy Dec, Sylvia Perez, Dianne Burns, Jerry Berliant and Scotty Goodrich attended as did multi-millionaire Michael Polsky, there to cheer son Alan’s provocative film Little Birds about teenagers.

BRUNCHING AT JOE’S STONE CRAB before the Bears game were pit bull divorce lawyer Kurt Muller with wife Sylvia and stunning brunette daughter Marissa. She was named one of the top music critics of 2010 by The Village Voice. Marissa is planning a career as an entertainment lawyer.

THE BEST GIFT FOR SOMEONE YOU LOVE may be a bulletproof vest — forget about Botox. Vests range from $400 to $1,000 and some are almost fashionable. Did you know that every policeman in New York and Chicago has one of the life-saving vests? Cabbies are trying to get funds so they can buy more protection. But if you get shot in the head, unless you are blessed like Tucson heroine Gabby Giffords, forget about it … There are also stab-resistant shirts and jackets of body armor to frustrate jealous killers. Kevlar thongs and bras? Better safe than sorry.

CAN A POWDER SPRINKLED ON FOOD make you feel full faster? That’s the theory of Alan Hirsch, a Chicago-based neurologist and psychiatrist who specializes in the treatment of smell and taste loss. In the January issue of Bazaar, he discussed his Sensa powder and admitted his product might not work as well for someone eating for emotional reasons rather than physiological ones. Sensa powder is shaken over everything from a sandwich to pretzels to fruit and is made from sodium-free, sugar-free, calorie-free soy and milk ingredients. One sampler had no weight loss and another lost 58 pounds. Worth a try?

EIGHTY WOMEN ATTENDED the holiday party hosted by Sugar Rautbord and Maria Smithburg in Sugar’s deluxe condo. The hit of the fashionistas’ evening was Laurie Davis’ jewelry and vintage garb from Lulu’s at the Belle Kay. In the crowd were RACHEL GRUND, COLLEEN FLANAGAN, SHERRILL BODINE, MELISSA GRUND, GENINE SHAFER, NINA NASHIF and LESLIE LOGSDON.

WHO WILL BE DINING AT A WHITE TIE BANQUET with Prince Charles and Camilla in London at the prince’s annual social event? The gorgeous Natasha Isaacs and husband Mike. (Bet fashionista Natasha will outshine every other woman there.)

ALL THAT RECENT SNOW meant men couldn’t make it to the strip joints and business was lousy, complained lap dancers and jiggle joint owners. Mother Nature doesn’t cater to mammary meccas.

FOR VALENTINE’S DAY there’s a shirt for him, or her, that says, “Do not resuscitate.”

gettING GOOD REVIEWS is Rick Meyerowitz’s new book Drunk Stoned Brilliant Dead: The Writers and Artists Who Made The National Lampoon Insanely Great. It’s a satirical love letter to all the talented humorists who created and nurtured the Lampoon.

ROMANTIC SONGS FOR VALENTINE’S DAY are promised by chanteuse Shelley MacArthur Feb. 14 at 7:30 p.m. as part of the “Cabaret with a View” series at Pritzker Pavilion in Millennium Park.

SUPER TALENT JOHN LEGUIZAMO will try out his new one-man Broadway show, directed by Fisher Stevens, at the Royal George Feb. 1 through 12. It’s called an unplugged version of “Ghetto Klown” and is set for a 12-week run at New York’s Lyceum Theatre.

CONGRATS TO MIKE MURPHY who gave his 60th pint of blood to save lives.

IT’S OFFICIAL: Two studies show that echinacea does nothing to stop or cure a cold, reports the University of Wisconsin-Madison School of Medicine. Buy chocolate instead. It prevents persistent cold-related coughing.

GOOD NEWS: THE TEEN BIRTH RATE HIT AN ALL-TIME LOW IN 2009, the lowest since record-keeping started in 1940.

FAMOUS DANCER ANN REINKING is honorary chair of Thodos Dance Chicago’s White City benefit Feb. 5 at the Cultural Center. Co-chairs are Cheri Lawrence and Jennifer Tengelsen. Major supporters include: MARTA BABSON, MELISSA AND DOUGLAS JOHNSTON JR., ANN REINKING AND PETER TALBERT, LENA THODOS, FREDERICK FISCHER, HEATHER MCWILLIAMS, ARTHUR AND ELAINE MARGULIS, JIM AND CHRISTINE NAPPO, THE TENGELSEN FAMILY FOUNDATION, LIZ AND JEFF SHARP, LAURA AND WAYNE BELLOWS, BLUHM FAMILY FOUNDATION, SOPHIA FORERO, DAVID HALL, MICHAEL NUGENT, DEBORAH AND ELZIE HIGGINBOTTOM, KEVIN STOECKEL, EMILY HEISLEY.

WE ALL OWE A DEBT OF GRATITUDE to savvy fashion designer Diane von Furstenberg, 63, for creating a unisex hospital gown that provides complete coverage. No more body parts peeking out due to scant material and unrealistic sizing at the Cleveland Clinic. They’re using Diane’s pattern for front-or back-opening coverups for men and women that promise no ugly flaps or surprises. The unisex prototypes give complete coverage and have short sleeves, too.

COSTUME BALL co-chairs and designers Robin Berger, Catherine Eberle and Lawrie Weed are planning a memorable blast for the History Museum.

THE POLISH-AMERICAN MEDICAL SOCIETY HAS ITS 61st ANNIVERSARY GALA Feb. 5 at Trump Tower.

ROMANTIC NEWS … WEDDING BELLS RING Oct. 29 at the family home in Phoenix, Ariz., for smart and lovely social media Gossip Genie CEO Jacqui Monieson and Ron Liberman, financial consultant. She is the daughter of Jannie and Elliot Pearlman and he is the son of the Ziv Libermans of Minnesota.

WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT that a TV series about sleazy (but likeable) lawyers in sin city Vegas would be a hit? With Jim Belushi and Jerry O’Connell as the legal eagles, it’s doing well in ratings. Called “The Defenders,” it has guts and laughs and the guys are really a good match.

SOMEONE IN THE UK HIJACKED PHOTOGRAPHER STEVE STARR’S COMPUTER and sent all his friends an e-mail saying he lost his passport, money and luggage, and needed cash to get home from London. Fortunately, most called his home and found he was here and okay. And Steve learned he had a lot of people who cared and were ready to help bail him out … Happy ending.

LESLIE HINDMAN WILL AUCTION the record collection of radio-host Dick Buckley Feb. 17, offering the 8,000 jazz LPs, 45s, 78s and tapes encompassing his 50-year career and his passion for music.

“MARRIAGE IS THE ONLY WAR where you sleep with the enemy.” —Unknown

CONTACT: annbgerber@gmail.com or 847-677-2232