OF COURSE IT HAPPENED IN FRANCE!

A JUDGE FINED A HUSBAND $13,500 in damages because he failed to perform in the bedroom during their 21-year marriage.

CLAIMING THAT HER MATE WAS “TOO TIRED OR TOO UNWELL” to have sex with her for a period of several years, and that his lack of passion contributed to the breakdown of their union, and to their divorce, got sympathy and cash for Monique, 47.

UNDER FRANCE’S CIVIL CODE, MARRIED COUPLES are duty-bound to live a “shared communal life” that the judge ruled means “sexual relations must form part of the marriage.”

THE EX-HUSBAND, KNOWN THROUGH THE PRESS AS JEAN-LOUIS B., 51, insisted that work-related stress caused him to fail in the boudoir. The judge didn’t buy his excuse.

HAVEN’T WE ALWAYS HEARD THAT FRENCHMEN are the best lovers in the world? That they are sensitive, caring and supremely adept at making the women in their arms swoon with delight and satisfaction? And that many are pigs in heat like Dominique Strauss-Kahn whose recent behavior in a New York Hotel with a chambermaid was an international scandal? (To be fair, we think he was framed, but that’s another sticky wicket.)

DOES A HUSBAND HAVE A LEGAL DUTY to satisfy his wife? Obviously, the answer is “yes” in France. Getting financial damages is not the norm, however. There was only one other case so resolved, in 2000 in France.

TO SAVE THE REPUTATION OF ALL FRENCHMEN, you would think this case would have been hushed up! Jean-Louis should have been plied with Viagra and sent home to remedy the situation. He should have sent his long-suffering wife flowers and perfume and gifts from the exquisite salons in Paris.

FACING A COURTROOM AND LETTING HIS FLAWS ALL HANG OUT is so gauche. An affaire d’amour shouldn’t be exposed as less than fabulous. Where is esprit de corps? Love is raison d’etre for the French. (Husbands insist they are entitled to sex and so marital rape cases are rare and extremely difficult to win.) France’s beau monde must be embarrassed by this lawsuit exposing a soft spot in the legendary lovemaking of Frenchmen.

IS THAT A SIGH OF RELIEF WE HEAR as American males read about a cocky Frenchman forced to face complaints about his sexual prowess? Who will be the first to shout “Cherchez la femme?” Only a cad would blame the woman for his lack of passion.

WHO ARE THE WOMEN who visited a sick friend, with dementia, and helped themselves to her jewelry and clothes? They have been warned to never enter her condo again, or face legal action.

BETTY WHITE’S 90TH BIRTHDAY, a tribute to America’s Golden Girl, will air Jan. 16 on NBC 5, and following it will be a sneak preview of Off their Rocker, with perky Betty orchestrating seniors doing pranks. White has a new book, Betty and Friends: My Life at the Zoo, revealing details of her long career in movies and TV. She is best known for Golden Girls but is now getting laughs for her saucy scenes in Hot in Cleveland. Betty’s sexy woman role is a hoot.

OUR SYMPATHY goes to art collector/philanthropist Marilynn Alsdorf on the death of her son, James Jr. Marilynn resigned recently after many years as head of the Arts Club. Her gifts to the Art Institute are priceless and she is one of the great women in Chicago.

FANTASY OF THE OPERA for Lyric is Jan. 27, A Night Under the Czars for one of the hottest parties in a cold month. It is music, food and fabulously gowned guests at $500 a ticket.

AT THE ELEGANT WEDDING in St. Paul’s United Church of Christ for Thom Jenkins and Dennis Kmetz, the 94 guests saw the Rev. J.P. Carlson and Rev. K.L. Downer officiate at this civil union. Sarah Levy created the magnificent three-tiered cake served at the Drake Hotel in a recreation of a Buckingham Palace banquet.

DOG TRAINERS REMIND US, after the vicious attack on a jogger by pit bulls, that you should never run when unleashed canines are present. Stop, let them sniff you and stay still, they say. In this horrendous case the victim could not have known the dogs were in the park.

AUTHOR SARA PARETSKY meets fans Jan. 12 at 7:30 p.m. at Women and Children First bookstore, 5233 N. Clark St., to toast her new nail-biter, Breakdown, and mark her 30th year as a mystery writer.

A BRUSSELS GRIFFON has won the heart of lawyer Don Reuben, after a lifetime with German shepherds and other larger dogs. Don and wife Jeannette now live in Rancho Mirage and the former Chicago powerhouse wrote in his Christmas card message that Max, the new addition, proved his worth helping nurse Don after a major surgery. “Max taught me how wonderful, loving and devoted a toy dog can be … giving as much love and affection as any big dog.”

A FINALIST IN THE PILLSBURY BAKE OFF is Arlene Erlbach, also an author.

THE GREAT WALL OF CHINA knocked the socks off tourist Peggy Jester.

JOYCE SELANDER, author of Joyce, Queen of the Mountain, about her years as a trader, was interviewed by Rick Santelli on CNBC for his stock and financial markets segment.

WAS ACTRESS NATALIE WOOD MURDERED? We will never know, but her sister, Lana, had been hoping for more information about her beloved sibling. Here is a pix of Lana and Natalie that Lana gave photographer Steve Starr at a recent Hollywood Collectibles Show in Rosemont. The drowning death is a tragic ending to a Hollywood star and if there were villains, their secrets are safe.

HE TAKES THE CAKE … We salute Steve Starr, photographer extraordinaire, who was feted on his 65th birthday with a special cake at RL. An artist, an expert on all things Art Deco, and one busy shutterbug, Steve is picture perfect.

FRIENDS ARE SENDING GET WELL WISHES to Clayton Rautbord, ill in Palm Beach.

FITNESS GURU JIM KARAS’ new diet book, The Petite Advantage Diet, for women 5-feet 4-inches and shorter, has some basic advice that savvy people, tall and terrific, or short and sensational, must consider. Eat breakfast, dine on water-rich foods like veggies, limit food frenemies like olive oil and whole wheat bread. Avoid meals with fat and oil like Italian and Chinese eatery dishes, limit yourself to 1,100 calories for two days, then 1,600 and get seven to eight hours sleep a night. Also, do 10 minutes of slow, deep breathing every day. We liked his take on short femmes. “Think of yourself as a studio apartment in New York City … no room for junk (fat), just functional furniture (muscle).

WHO ARE THE PLATINUM POSSE? They are a group of high achievers dedicated to doing good works and having fun. Judge Ilana Rovner and Gretchen Jordan were not present when Mitch Canoff took this photo of the group at the behest of hostess Suzie Glickman at her luncheon at the Park Hyatt. Two beloved members have died — lottery expert Sharon Sharp and real estate ad guru Sally Becker. In the pix are: former TV anchor Mary Ann Childers, PAWS founder and banker Paula Fasseas, interior designer Kathleen Fox, entrepreneur Suzie Glickman, real estate developer Kathy Finley, Judge Rhoda Sweeney and writer Ann Gerber.

THE MAGNIFICENT MEDILLS, THE HOT NEW BOOK BY MEGAN MCKINNEY about the intimate lives of the Medill-McCormick-Patterson newspaper clans, made its debut at a cocktail reception attended by 85. In the crowd were Jim and Abra Wilkin, Stanley Paul, Lyssa Piette, Dottie Pattishall, Zarada Gowenlock, Fritz Kielsmeier, Virginia Bobins, Leslie Zetner, Myra Reilly, Nena Ivon, Linda Heister, Skip Grisham, Hazel Barr, Jim Kinney, Barbara Burrell, Cynthia Olson, Nancy Nadler, Bunky Cushing and Liz Stiffel.

CYNTHIA NIXON, A FAVORITE since Sex and the City entered our world, will star on Broadway in Wit, about a brilliant poetry professor dying of cancer. It opens Jan. 26 and runs to March 4. Nixon gets tons of tears on the Great White Way. Her last appearance was as a grieving mother in Rabbit Hole and she earned a Tony award for it in 2006.

CAN’T BLAME KATY PERRY FOR DUMPING RUSSELL BRAND, or vice versa. She’s a talented beauty but he’s a charmless boor.

AUTHOR DAVID PRETE, who penned Say That To My Face, is writing a second book, Bones of His Bones. David is best known for his independent films.

BOMBPROOF UNDERWEAR, MADE OF KEVLAR, are sold by a British firm for $65 a pair, but our government doesn’t provide them for our soldiers. And 10 percent of battlefield explosions result in horrific genital and rectal damage. But then the government fully funds post-injury prostheses and colostomies.

MAKING A MUSICAL FOR BROADWAY out of the Austin Powers flicks is the dream of Mike Myers, Second City veteran. Myers wrote and starred in three of the movies and is set to make the fourth. But the talented Mike wouldn’t be in the musical. He’s a proud papa at 48, having wed longtime girlfriend Kelly Tisdale in 2010. They welcomed a boy, Spike, in September.

THE 125TH GALA for National Louis U. is Jan. 19 at the Casino. Supporting the event are Elizabeth and Jeff Louis, Diane Rauner, Groupon CEO Andrew Mason, and Martin and Pat Koldyke. Phil Ponce is MC.

“GIVING LEGENDS” was the title of the Vanity Fair January article about the super rich in our midst who work for the common good and have created a superpower of philanthropy. Receiving the Carnegie Medal of Philanthropy were the Crown Family and the Pritzker Family of Chicago, honored at a New York City ceremony. They star in the “business of benevolence.”

IS NOTHING SACRED ON THE INTERNET? NO! Proof is “the world’s leading married-dating service for discreet encounters” — the website ashleymadison.com.

ACCORDING TO COSMOPOLITAN MAG, new research found that men in relationships don’t care if their friends are cheaters, whereas women totally judge one another.

CHOREOGRAPHER ANN REINKING is honorary chair of the Roaring 20s gala for Thodos Dance Company’s 20th anniversary at the Cultural Center. Elaine Margulis is board president, Paula Bork is treasurer and Lesli Bobbs is secretary.

SHADES OF MADOFF...Who is the pillar of society, church-going hypocrite, with impressive offices, who is being unveiled as a minor Ponzi manipulator? One victim even named him as executor of her considerable estate.

WHO IS GOING TO LONDON during the Queen’s diamond jubilee in June 2012 with the English Speaking Union? Queen Elizabeth’s barge will lead 1,000 boats in a parade to mark her 60 years’ reign. Call Alice Boyne at 908-277-2700 for info.

REMEMBER ACTRESS/SINGER ANN JILLIAN? She met her husband, Chicago cop Andy Murcia at the old Oak Tree at Rush and Oak many moons ago when she was appearing here in a musical. They have a son, Andrew, who may be an actor soon. After Murcia suffered a heart attack, Ann took time out from her career to nurse him back to health. We were pleased to get a Christmas card from them.

“MY BREASTS HAVE HAD A BRILLIANT CAREER. I’VE JUST TAGGED ALONG FOR THE RIDE.” —PAMELA ANDERSON

CONTACT: annbgerber@gmail.com or 847-677-2232