HEY! IT IS A NEW YEAR and you hope to shape up — be a better you.

SO PAY ATTENTION to the latest calorie counts and honest evaluation of fast food — some of it can rush you to the morgue, or at least the cardiac arrest section of your local hospital. The fat content and the salt add up to unhealthy, bad for your arteries and heart gut-busting meals.

A SURVEY BY MEN’S HEALTH MAGAZINE reports that worst of the offerings out there is the Tuna Melt sandwich combo from Quiznos. It sags under 1,900 calories, 145 grams of fat and 2,230 milligrams of sodium. Yuck!

SECOND IN THE FUNEREAL LIST is Wendy’s Triple Baconator combo, with three hamburger patties, three slices of cheese and nine strips of bacon. Served alongside small fries and a small Coke it weighs in at 1,850 calories, 106 grams of fat and 2,780 milligrams of sodium. Help!

THIRD THREAT IS BURGER KING’S large Triple Whopper with Cheese and fries at 1,790 calories, 111g of fat and 2,430 mg of sodium. Eeek!

FOURTH ON THE TOXIC LIST is KFC’s Half Spicy Crispy Chicken meal, served with macaroni and cheese, potato wedges and a biscuit. It rings up 1,660 calories, 104 grams of fat and 5,050 milligrams of sodium. Burp!

WANT A ZILLION CALORIES? Uno Chicago Grill’s Classic Deep Dish Pizza has 2,310 and California Pizza Kitchen’s Meat Cravers Pizza boasts 1,530.

GET THE PICTURE? FAST FOOD LOADED WITH FAST DEATH. The big breakfast platter at McDonald’s gives eaters 1,370 calories and 60 grams of fat.

THERE ARE BETTER CHOICES at every fast food outlet. Junior hamburgers without sauce, the McDonald’s Egg McMuffin, chili, hash browns are available.

YOU WANT TO BE IN HEALTHIER CONDITION? Common sense says forget the BIG PORTIONS.

PUT DOWN THAT TWINKIE WHEN I’M PREACHING TO YOU!

REPEAT AFTER ME … I SHALL NOT MEGA-SIZE MY FAST FOOD

NOW DON’T YOU FEEL THINNER ALREADY?

WHO IS THE HIGH PROFILE LAWYER who came out of the closet Christmas Day to his wife and grown children? They told him they suspected and would always love and respect him. Happy civilized holidays for all concerned.

WHO IS THE WIDOWED SOCIALITE WHO COOKED CHRISTMAS DINNER for 10 homeless strangers in her swank Lake Shore Drive condo? Her neighbors donated gifts and joined in the good fellowship. Bravo!

WE ALL KNOW HOW PHOTOS can be airbrushed to make us look amazing. SO we are surprised to see actress Sarah Jessica Parker on the cover of the January issue of Elle mag looking dumpy, grumpy and fat.

WHO IS THE SHOCKED HOSTESS who found perfume bottles, diet pills and a silver box missing after she held a holiday party?

RUMORS WERE RAMPANT this past week that Michelle Obama was two months pregnant. A little more fabric here, a wrinkle there and voila — a rumor.

MOST GLAMOROUS GRANDPARENTS are singer Shelley MacArthur and Bill Farley now that their son Hayes MacArthur welcomed a son of his own with actress Ali Larter, Theodore. Surely Shelley will softly warble lullabies to her grandson… lucky kid!

JOINING VINCE VAUGHN AND HAYES MACARTHUR in daddyland is our “Friends” star and Chicagoan David Schwimmer. He and bride Brit Zoe Buckman, a photographer, are expecting their first child. They were wed last June.

SEEN LUNCHING WITH FRIENDS and daughter Nora at the popular RL restaurant was a vibrant Maggie Daley, our lovely First Lady.

JANUARY BIRTHDAYS ARE SLATED FOR Nicolas Cage, Julie Chen, Bradley Cooper, Diane Keaton, January Jones, Kate Bosworth, Taye Diggs.

JOHN AND SHERRILL BODINE entertained at the new Bodine Electric headquarters in Northfield with Santa and friends.

NEWLYWEDS WHO TIED THE KNOT in Cabo San Lucas were Jacquelyn Orlandino — daughter of Dr. Betty Orlandino — and Allan Baldwin of Boca Raton.

OPRAH WINFREY’S BEST FRIEND, Gayle King, moved out of her penthouse in New York City and has been looking at larger apartments in the $9 to $19 million range.

A BEAUTIFUL YOUNG WOMAN who loved animals and died much too young is remembered at the Lake Shore Animal Shelter because she found a dog, Frankie, that was her best pal through chemo and trying times. Caitlin Bull’s family rescued the stray, Frankie, and kept him after checking to make sure no one was seeking this lost pet. Caitlin’s passions were music and animals. A generous donation in Caitlin’s name was given to the Lake Shore Animal Shelter on what would have been her 22nd birthday. Caitlin died of a rare cancer a little over one year ago. The Foundation in her name not only supports homeless abandoned pets, but also aids cancer victims, funds cancer research and gives financial aid to young musicians. Elizabeth Curran, president of LSAS, said, “we give thanks for Caitlin’s warm heart, her love of animals, and her spirit that lives on through meaningful good works. She charmed and delighted those around her and she continues to touch many lives.”

TV EVANGELIST PAT ROBERTSON, rarely a voice for reason, has surprised everyone by announcing that mandatory prison sentences for certain crimes involving marijuana are costing us a fortune and ruining young lives. This was followed by a clarification — our government should revise the severity of existing laws concerning possession of a few ounces of pot. Let us hope more people get this revelation.

AUTHOR/WRITER GIOIA DILIBERTO penned an article for the January Town & Country mag about the handsome North Shore home of Cathy and Michael Busch. Among other things, she tells us the stucco walls are the color of Devonshire cream. The attractive couple met in 1989 working for Ronald Reagan. They lived in an Astor Street co-op after they wed in 1993. Their gym is named The Pump Room and their interior designer was Ruthie Sommers.

PLAYBOY BUNNIES are making their debut in Macau, where the Chinese love to gambol and gamble. Asian licensing is hot because China is awash in cash.

JULIA CHILD’S LETTERS in the Joan Reardon book, “As Always, Julia: the Letters of Julia Child and Avis DeVoto,” will spark discussion and dishes at Naha, 500 N. Clark Ave., on Jan. 15 for an $89 luncheon organized by ChicaGourmets. Naha chef/owner Carrie Nahabedian hosts.

MONTHS AGO WE WROTE an article asking, “Why Can’t the Waltons be Heroes?” It questioned why these billionaire Waltons treat their workers so shabbily when for pennies more they could be employers everyone would respect. From reader Chet Alexander in Alsip came an answer: “The Walton heirs,” Chet said, “have no interest in being the kind of heroes we urge them to be. Rather, as charter members of a malignant class of Americans I refer to as Trust Fund Fascists, they seek only to continually increase their wealth and power. Our beloved country is in serious trouble because the top 1 percent control more wealth than the bottom 50 percent. The middle class is being destroyed, clearly serving the interests of the owners of Wal-Mart. … Fascism is combining government and corporate power. The Waltons, the Koch brothers and Richard Mellon Scaife, through lobbyists and limitless campaign financing are well on their way to owning our government. They have no interest in being heroes.”

CHICAGOANS OF THE YEAR, CHOSEN by Chicago Magazine, are: Susan Axelrod, Gunny Harboe, Dan Ivankovich, Tim King, Neli Vazquez-Rowland, Rocky Wirtz.

SEEN LUNCHING AT GIBSON’S, Beverly Persky, Kay Husman, Nancy Prather Stage and Countess Mimi Fairview.

ALL THE PROBLEMS at the debut of “Spider-Man” in New York City, including the injury of Chicagoan stunt actor Chris Tierney of Hubbard Street, have caused this star-crossed production to be the hottest ticket on Broadway! This $65 million show with 40 aerial stunts has people anxious to see all the action and possible falls.

IN HER NEW BOOK, “THE MEMORY PALACE,” author Mira Bartok writes about her mentally ill mother who died of cancer, and her idealized vision of her father. She imagined him “holding court with Chicago’s intellectual elite — Saul Bellow, Nelson Algren,” but in reality he was out of her life from the time she was a little girl.

JUDITH AND JOSEPH KONEN, retired and active volunteers, are Chicagoans in the spotlight for the Chicago History Museum. Judy, whose ancestors came over on the Mayflower, celebrated her love of history by getting involved with the museum. Joe also supports the museum and is a history buff. “Understanding our past is really important,” says Judy. “It is comforting to know that others have walked similar paths, which we can learn from and be inspired by.”

JAN. 12, AUTHOR KAREN ABBOTT of “Sin in the Second City,” and her newer book, “American Rose,” about Gypsy Rose Lee, will discuss her work at the Maxim’s Tea at Three program.

“IT ISN’T THAT GENTLEMEN REALLY PREFER BLONDS, it is just that we look dumber.” — ANITA LOOS

CONTACT: annbgerber@gmail.com or 847-677-2232